Welcome to the first discussion post for season three of RuPaul’s Drag Race! It’s like the Super Bowl for homosexuals, except with more glittery frocks, outlandish wigs and tucked penises! Okay, so maybe it’s nothing like the Super Bowl, aside from the fact that the competitors are real men… Real men who wear fucking heels.

If you’ve been following us for some time, then you already know this isn’t your traditional count-by-numbers recap. We rank the queens based on a combination of personality, entertainment value and overall performance. This is especially tricky for the first episode, since these judgments are difficult to make based on first impressions.

So here’s what you need to know before we start. The contestants posed for a Christmas-themed photo shoot with A-List star Mike Ruiz. Their challenge was to create a runway look with thrift store threads and holiday tchotchkes they mopped (stole) from the workshop.

Vanessa Williams appeared as a guest judge, and Bruce Vilanch showed up as Santa Claus. Someone cried! There was a surprise contestant! A $75,000 cash prize! And I really can’t say anything else without spoiling the whole episode. Click through and check it out!

- Dewitt

Photo credit: NewNowNext

To check out our rankings after the first episode, follow the JUMP:

WATCH NOW:

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1. MANILA LUZON: We’ve been on the Manila bandwagon ever since her audition tape. Just because she’s Asian, don’t get it twisted like she’s Jujubee 2.0. Both in and out of drag, Manila has an impeccable sense of style (perhaps this zebra print isn’t a good example). We hope her boyfriend Sahara Davenport isn’t jealous when she wins the whole competition!

2. RAJA (Winner): Holy fuck! Holy mother fuck balls! How much do we love to hate Raja? And how much do we secretly love Raja? The phallic cyclops hat won me over from the beginning. The arrogant comments about Gaga and fat girls lost me. This picture won us over. Then he opened his mouth again, and we were like, “Please stop talking and just be fierce”.

By the end, we couldn’t deny the Vivienne Westwood inspired style of her runway look. And that walk! That fucking walk! In regards to Raja, expect a whole lot of exclamations and expletives from us in the near future. Both positive and negative.

3. DELTA WORK: When Delta Work first walked into the open casting, we weren’t thoroughly impressed. We liked her and all, but in a “I want to get drinks with you and complain about my boyfriend while you give me very maternal advice” kind of way.

By the time we finished watching Untucked? We fell in love with this bitch. Of all the “bigger” contestants, we have a feeling she’ll be the one to beat. She’s polished, hilarious and hungry for the prize. And did we mention she’s kind of cute out of drag? In a cubbish, “I want you to sit on my face” kind of way.

4. SHANGELA (Chante, You Stay): The lampshade outfit was a hot mess, and the “Frostgela The Snow Ho” prop didn’t pay off in the end. When she lip-synched for her life, it was extremely uncomfortable to watch her falling apart in front of us. But let’s be honest. You’re going to be saying “Hally-loo” for months to come. Say what you want to say, but we’re glad she’s back!

5. ALEXIS MATEO: This ranking is especially random. Alexis Mateo didn’t hammer us over the head with her awesomeness, but we got a really good feeling about her. Does anyone else know what we’re talking about? She has this whole “everybody’s friend” vibe, and it’s quite possible she could be the competition’s silent threat.

6. MIMI IMFURST: There’s nothing we hate more in reality television than tears in the first episode. Though the breakdown may have cost Mimi a few slots on our rankings, she’s still at the top of our list of favorite competitors. Sometimes, being a drag queen isn’t about fashion and “fierce” handsewn designs. Mimi has a clear understanding of camp humor, and her gigantic wigs distract us from the fact that she basically wore a blanket.

7. YARA SOFIA: Before we move on, can we acknowledge that Yara Sofia’s contact lenses are utterly terrifying? This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A few previous contestants who scared us in the beginning (ie: Nina Flowers) wound up being some of the best of the bunch. Let’s see if she has what it takes!

8. CARMEN CARRERA: We hesitated about ranking Carmen so low on our list. The mistletoe over her booty was actually kind of brilliant, a double message saying “kiss my ass” and “make out with my smooth tight butt hole”. But we’re not sure she was aware of the brilliance. Is Carmen another hot body like Tatianna or Rebecca Glasscock? Or is there actually more substance here?

Either way, we don’t mind her sticking around a bit, as long as she keeps walking around naked. Then again, we’d prefer if she took off the dress, make-up and walked straight into our bedroom. Seriously! This is another one who looks really hot out of drag. And pretty damn hot in drag, if you’re into that…

9. STACY LAYNE MATTHEWS: We need Stacy Layne Matthews to prove herself. When the other queens doubted her backstage, she lashed out into the whole, “You don’t know me or my talent” spiel. That’s nice and all, but we need to see that talent.

Weight isn’t an issue for us. We know some (non-drag) queens are going to wonder why she’s on RuPaul’s Drag Race when she should be on The Biggest Loser. But those people should stop being assholes. This isn’t a competition for America’s skinniest drag performer. Big girls can win, provided they have the talent to back it up. Does Stacy have potential we’re not seeing yet?

10. INDIA FERRAH: Err, we guess India’s vaguely alright? We can’t get over her horrible fake boobs. They have a tendency to upstage anything she’s doing at a given moment in time. When she stepped in the room? We were staring at her boobs. When she was working the runway? We were staring at her boobs. And we don’t even like lady boobs!

11. MARIAH: Similar to our positive vibe on Alexis Mateo, we get a really bad sense from Mariah. She has potential to be the season’s token bitch, and not the refined, guilty pleasure style bitchiness of Raja or past contestant Raven. We’re reserving more extreme judgment at the moment, but…

12. PHOENIX: In retrospect, we should have ranked Phoenix higher on our list. We actually liked her final runway look! It doesn’t matter if she did or didn’t steal it from Venus, because she wound up looking better in the end. We’re not even close to loving her, though we haven’t quite reached the point of hating her. Long story short? You confuse us, Phoenix!

13. VENUS D-LITE (Sashay Away): It’s a horrible life for this “sad Christmas elf”. During the casting special, we were actually digging Venus! Then, as the show moved forward, we began to progressively dislike her more and more. We were done when she revealed her plastic surgery to resemble Madonna. Completely done.