
ITEM - Don’t hate George Clooney because he’s still beautiful at 50. Today is the former Facts of Life and Roseanne (what, those were important roles!) star’s birthday. Many of these celebrities are having their faces mutilated and rat poison injected into their mugs to fend off decay. The Clooney has no need for such measures. He’s all about the glass of whiskey, the cigar and the gorgeous whatever he’s banging. I say “whatever” because I’m hoping he comes out late in life so I can fulfill that Roseanne threesome fantasy that stars me, him and John Goodman. *crickets* Wow, you’re all so judgey.
- J. Harvey
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ITEM - A story broke this week that Madonna…hold up. Wait. Guy Ritchie‘s a hot piece of ass, huh? Let’s go for a drink down the pub, and then back to your place for a shag, Guy. Anyway, resume story. Madonna reportedly made her then husband, director Guy Ritchie, get circumcised so he was in line with her Kabbalah beliefs back in the day. Come again? All of us cut males suffer SOME sort of neuroses by having part of our cranks removed as tiny innocent babies. No one needs to go there as an adult. NO ONE needs any sort of surgical tool near their dick unless absolutely necessary. I don’t even LIKE covered wagons but I wouldn’t be insisting people do it cuz’ Jewish mysticism ordered it so. The couple (obviously) divorced in 2008.
Oh, and get this. The Kabbalah Centre in LA is reportedly under investigation for some shady tax issues. Guy must be like “I got my dick cut for THESE people?”

ITEM – James Durbin and Scotty McGreery are the remaining two male finalists on American Idol after TOTALLY GAY (what is HE tryin’ ta pull?) Jacob Lusk got his ass booted this week. Several thousand tween girls think that 17-year-old McGreevy is adorbs. Although this is one of the few pics I could find of Scotty in which he wasn’t making wacky faces. What is up with the googly eyes and the creeper expressions when he sings? I’m surprised that Idol didn’t call in some sort of face coach for the lil’ crooner.








