In The News
September 28, 2011

Google Gaydar!

Do this. Go to Google and type in “Is [celebrity name] gay?”. You may actually get an answer. Google seems to have (silently) rolled out a sexual orientation determinator. Give em’ a celeb, and it (sometimes) searches out anything mentioning that person’s sexual orientation, aggregates the data, and it “guesses” them a team. Why? Because Google knows humanity is ENDLESSLY fascinated with what famous people are up to in the sack.

The problem is that the ones we know are sucking dick don’t pop up! We tried Kevin Spacey, John Travolta (don’t even TRY and tell me that Travolta hasn’t had every willing dick in the steamroom in his butthole), Taylor Lautner (oh, come now), Cruise, etc. Those stars don’t appear, but out celebrities (Elton John), straights, and a smattering of semi-out celebs (Jodie Foster) do. What does this mean?

It means that it’s a massive conspiracy! Google OBVIOUSLY approached all of the closeted actors in Hollywood and threatened to add them to their Google Gaydar as “gay” unless they funded Google +. Because Google + doesn’t seem to have any actual function, amiright? So they couldn’t get any backers, and needed the cash!

Yes, the flaw in that theory (“the” flaw, you ask? There’s only one?) is that these guys aren’t appearing at all. Wouldn’t it be better for their closet case status if they came up as “straight” in this fun little tool?

There’s an obvious answer! It’s because Google knows their credibility would be blown if Anderson Cooper or Queen Latifah came up as hetero. Everyone would laugh and switch to Bing. Hell, if Will Smith came up as straight, we’d start using Yahoo.

(Ed. note – Google being a mega-conglomerate blackmailer is just me being jokey. But, Google + seriously doesn’t have any discernible  function)

– J. Harvey

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322 Comments - View all

Boy from oz 7:36pm on December 1, 2011

I think google stopped it. Its not working for me? Is this happening to anyone else?

  • Tyler

    What is Google +?

    I’ve never heard of it

  • alex

    cruise and lautner don’t strike me as gay and its not nice to spread rumors or fuel speculation j harvey character you should know better

  • Organace

    doubtful, but possible.

  • Paulyv0220

    jesse mccartney so not straight

  • Hh9999

    BTW, Google+ is a BIG improvement over FaceBook as faar as I’m concerned. Yes. I’ve worked both. A lot more control can be exerted over who sees what in Google+.  JFoster either doesn’t have a clue or is pissed off at Google for something.

  • Daisy_Duke

    What is the point of this? I mean, so what if she is or he is… Until I get to know someone, I will stay out of their private lives. If she or he’d like to share something with everyone, thats their choice. I for one would not like to be scrutinized for being who I am and what I am. They have a right to their privacy and a right to be with whomever they want to be with.

    “Quit causing trouble! You’re a trouble maker!” – Judge Judy

  • TimBO

    LOL it only works on few names mostly those that you already know the answer to.

  • Hh9999

    Should have been JHarvey, not JFoster

  • Bailey

    …this isn’t a function that says if people are gay. It’s a function that attempts to answer ANY question you ask it by looking through news sites and things like that. For instance, look up “How tall is Daniel Radcliffe?” and it will say “Best guess for Daniel Radcliffe Height is 5′ 6″ ”
    The only reason it has answers for people who are gay is because there are articles about people being gay! It has nothing to search through about being straight because there are no headlines about people being straight.

  • I find it amazing that they would even spend any time or effort to create such a thing. It just seems like a “lawsuit gateway” feature.

  • Boy from oz

    I think google stopped it. Its not working for me? Is this happening to anyone else?