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November 19, 2011

Top or Bottom: Tim Tebow

I spent my Thursday night at a bear bar, consoling a straight friend after the the New York Jets lost to the Denver Broncos. This wasn’t the sexy sort of consoling like “Let’s head to the bathroom, and I’ll blow you in the stall” (Nor would I ever want it to be, because that’d ruin a perfectly good bromance.) This was the sort of consoling where we had to leave the bar, because he stopped functioning and felt physically ill.

Needless to say, I still haven’t forgiven Tim Tebow for this drunken debacle. The worst part is that he makes it so hard to hate him—even with all the, well, you know—because he’s just so goddamn attractive. He’s the ultimate Secret Sex! And I can’t look at him without thinking about butt sex.

That said, I thought it’d be fun to feature Tebow in our Top or Bottom column. Ignore the fact that he’s straight and saving himself for Jesus. If he were hypothetically to get down with another dude, do you think he’d play the role of a cock-hungry wide receiver or clench his cheeks and be a “defensive end”? Let us know!

Hopefully, this week’s results will be more interesting than the last round. Nearly sixty-seven percent of you pegged Glee actor Chris Colfer as a total bottom. We actually have this weird feeling that he’s versatile, but we’ll never know unless he casually drops his preference in an interview. Could you imagine? “Thanks for inviting me to the show, Conan! Apologies if I’m a little out of it. I was up all night sandwich fucking with Harry Shum Jr. and Matthew Morrison.” And we end this post with that visual. You’re welcome?

– Dewitt

To see some disgustingly hot pictures of Tim Tebow and cast your vote, follow the JUMP:

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30 Comments - View all

goldenboyorl 9:53pm on February 22, 2013

cute but unfortunately personal hygiene is not his strongsuit

  • mark


  • Ospreyboi1122

    For the amount of time he spends on his knees and with priests, one would think he’s had at least one cock in his mouth.

  • cuteman43

    He would claim to be a top, but get him in the bedroom and see how fast his legs are up in the air. Just hopeful anyways.

  • jDressler

    agreed — think he would self-identify as “vers” but def prefer bottoming

  • haha

    he’s a republican closet case so…bottom

  • Scmadsen6

    I got the pleasure of meeting Tim in person. All I can say is that I would much rather have him top than bottom.

  • Footballgay

    I know not very many people care about football on here, but just an f.y.i. Tim Tebow, while hot, is a suck ass quaterback. Like, verrrrrrrrrry bad. Read this mnths Rolling Stone to find out what I mean.

  • Darson256

    Be careful saying that…i just repeated something from the weekend paper a few months back and got blasted for it.  The article talked about all of Tim’s failings on the field.  I love Bill Maher even more since he did a NEW RULES segment about Tebow.  And be sure to go to Comedy Central for Tosh’s mocking of TEBOW-ing.   I so love when conservative christians have to take it on the chin.

  • as much as i might wish for him to be [versatile], i get the feeling he’d be all top.

    at least, for the first half of his career.

    then maybe as he .. gets more comfortable with The Peen, he’d start becoming curious.

    (i’m aware of what the media has reported, regarding his “views”; i’m not going to waste any further time calling him out for them, or letting them bias my own Stance, regarding timothy and how i’d conduct a session of Sexual Congress, if such were a possibility.)

  • Atlas

    He would claim to be a total top, but I think he’d really be a exclusive bottom once you’d get him in your bed. Christian boys get off on the guilt, and taking a cock in the ass is the fastest way to that.

  • Thatguyroman

    Yeah, as a person Tim Tebow irritates the crap out of me (for so many reasons) but even with all that, I would hit that like the fist of an angry god.

    In a hypothetical scenario, I peg him as a very, very regretful top that would eventually become an even more regretful power bottom.

  • Technooreo

    He’d be Peyton’s bitch lol

  • Cman65

    somewhere under all that padding is a man

  • Rowin

    I have a hard time understanding gay men or maybe there is something wrong with me.
    I don’t care how scrumptious a man may be but if he’s made it clear to me, and the rest of the world, that due to his religious beliefs and his close mindedness he finds gay people unacceptable I do lose all attraction I might have felt for him. Such a man is NOT worth my time.

    But there are more things like that I don’t understand. Who can explain the phenomena of the “Gay Republicans” or better yet: the “Black Gay Republicans” to me?

    I guess self-castigation comes in many forms!

    So in answer to the pole: I couldn’t care less! It’s not like the bible-pushing freak is ever going to give it a try [what are you thinking?] EVEN if he was experiencing strong sexual feelings for another man. His believe in the bible and his self-image wouldn’t let him.

  • Kenneth

    You do know, Democrats and Independents can be closeted bottoms too?

  • Carniassada

    I dont find tebow hot at all, loved the Matt Taibbi article is RS, he’s one smart fucker, and Tosh.O tebowing, he is funny as fuck, never miss him,  but Tebow has been pulling shit out the last 2 games, luck or skill or God?, I dont know

  • Jerry

    Is he a self-loathing, closeted gay?  Well, he’s into all this bible stuff, likes to pose shirtless and manscapes himself.  You do the math.

  • J. Harvey

    He’s an annoying geek but fuck, is he hot.

  • J. Harvey

    As a non-sports gay, I will ask – why is he so popular then? Cuz’ of the religiouisity?

  • Quarterbacks are such bottoms.  🙂

  • haha

     i too have no sense of humor.

  • Unasenior27

    Im curious Scmadsen6, You said you got to meet him in person so you would rather him top? Just curious why would you rather him top since you met him in person?

  • haha

     He was a hell of a quarterback when he was at Florida. That coupled with the fact that he shoved his religion down everyone’s throats while he was there made him realllllly popular among the Florida fans.

  • Rockysolid

    I would rather he just disappear, what a waste of air.

  • juicycherry86

    So Dewitt, you were at the Alley bar?

  • JeremyS

    Are my eyes deceiving me or are those jock straps showing through those sweaty see-through pants in the last pic?

  • Anonymous

    Your eyes are NOT deceiving you. There’s a reason I posted those pictures!

  • guest

    Don’t pay attention to football, but for those who think he’s hot, go to the 8 sec mark

  • ButtsorBust

    I think vers-top simply because of the way he holds his ass !!!

  • goldenboyorl

    cute but unfortunately personal hygiene is not his strongsuit