Hot Guys
September 14, 2012

Gay Ass Gossip: The Top 10 Celebrities Who Should Come Out Of The Closet

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I fully invite all of you

(Dewitt made me post this)

to have at me in the comments about how wrong I am for posting

(Dewitt told me if I didn’t post about closet cases in Hollywood, he wouldn’t let me e-mail with Colby Jansen anymore)

a list of celebrities everyone knows are totally into dudes. It’s part of my fall tour – J. Harvey: That Vapid Whore Blogger With Bad Grammar That You Love To Hate. Please don’t forget to stop by the merchandise stand in the lobby.

There’s a bunch of celebrities that every time they pop up on your media screen of choice with a woman, you’re like “ugh, queen – stop. You’re gay.” Don’t even look at the grid above and try and type at me that I am so out of line and they are the very essence of heterosexuality. It’s not true. Why demand they come out? I’m not. They can stay closeted as long as they like. I’m just sayin’ – their lives would be a lot easier and people would stop speculating and running their mouth about their personal business if they were uncaring about people knowing they like dick.

Plus…your visibility as a homosexual tends to help all of us. Which is why Anderson Cooper and Zachary Quinto came out. And both of them kinda kicked the shit out of the whole “my career will suffer if people know I suck cock” didn’t they?

Let us know if we’ve forgotten anyone in the comments.

– J. Harvey

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1) Tom Cruise

Oh, Tommy. Girl, switch up those elevator lifts for a pair of vividly colored Jeremy Scott high-tops and let it go. One of the many downsides of Scientology is that they consider homos to be “degraded” individuals, so practitioners tend to reveal in their “auditing” sessions that they have gay feelings and are told that Xenu will take them away. Meanwhile, the poor Scientologist is getting so hard up for body that he’s getting a little too handsy with the masseur (see #2). Oh, and because everything you say in your auditing is recorded for posterity, the gay celebrity is basically blackmailed into staying in the closet lest he be revealed. Plus, Tom is a millionaire movie star. He doesn’t want to eff with his box office, right? When you are AUDITIONING girlfriends and future wives, something is wrong. Do you know how much more comfortable society would be with you if you were like “ya know what? I’m gay. I have a daughter, and I’m gay. I’m a gay Dad. I’m through faking this shit. I want to date a Randy Blue model and have a fucking beer at MJs. Fuck you, Xenu.” You’d be more comfortable, too.

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2) John Travolta

Travolta has let his closet situation render him creepy as fuck. The damage might already have been done. Notice the clenched perma-grin on Kelly Preston’s face. This is a FUCKED-UP situation. Johnny Trav is so obviously a fag-o-tron that it’s rendered him psychotic. You don’t have that many massage professionals claiming you were winking at them with your anal ring and trying to grab up on their packages without at least a grain of truth to these stories. This poor bastard might be a lost cause. Damage control would have to consist of “I lived a weird-ass life for awhile. I did some shitty things to people cuz’ I was so horny and unhappy. Kelly deserves a straight husband. I’m gay. And I’m getting rid of this wig. Tom Cruise and I are burning our e-meters.”

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3) Taylor Lautner

Click here. And unless he was mocking homosexuals, he totally is one. Sorry, ladies. You’re welcome, gay guys.

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4) Chace Crawford

Chace is rumored to be very comfortable getting sessy in the steamrooms of NYC gyms. Also, he looks like a gay sex angel. That last part doesn’t mean dick, but if you’re waggling your pin at guys from under your towel at Equinox – chances are…

He also lived with his co-star (#5) and there were delicious rumors that they were sharing each other’s bodies as well as the rent.I hope they were the stupid kind of celeb who taped their goings-on.

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5) Ed Westwick

He looks like that and he’s British. NEXT!

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6) Tyler Perry

Hallelujer, I’m gay! There is no way in hell the dude wearing Madea’s fake titties isn’t gay. I’m not saying he’s gay cuz’ he gives us flawless sass realness in drag. I’ve just seen him try to play heterosexuals on film and he’s not good enough of an actor to pull it off. Gay.

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7) Vin Diesel

Who? He was in some action movies in the early 2000s, and briefly caused a stir cuz’ he’s a big slab of sex meat. He’s sort of faded into obscurity in the last couple of years, so he should be thrilled someone is writing about his gay ass. Yes. “gay ass.”

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8) Will Smith

It’s like Will and his wife are having a bearded marriage contest with Travolta and his wife. Will is soooooo very gay. He’s gayer than Eddie Murphy who wasn’t popular enough to make it onto this list (Vin Diesel was hotter).  You know how you can tell if a celebrity is gay? He makes a big deal about playing and he’s married to a lesbian. Six Degrees of Separation and Jade Pinkett-Smith. “What are two clues that Will Smith likes it in the booty hole?”

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9) Jake Gyllenhaal

How dare you say this is just wishful thinking! For many years, Jake was known as “Toothy Tile” in former E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca’s column. Casablanca often wrote about his gay exploits. Unless it was some sort of erotic celebrity slash fiction on Ted’s part, the “G” in “Jakey G” stands for….well, you know.

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10) Ryan Seacrest

I know, I know. He brought us the Kardashians and is responsible for everything shitty in our culture right now. I wish he was straight, too.

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51 Comments - View all

big8boner 7:50am on September 23, 2012

I don't disagree with the list at all! I find it sad that they can't feel comfortable enough to come out and enjoy life! The Hollywood Film Community needs to at least get into the 90's and help these poor guys out!

  • TinCpt

    Ryan Seacrest shouldnt even feature! Justin Timberlake kicks his ass off the top 10 list!

  • Lostinmyhead

    Vin Diesel needs to come out, then marry me.

  • treytreynew82

    T.lautner is straight..unfortunately…but Vin Diesel..didn’t he admit to being bi?

  • Anonymous
  • oral4uinthe352

    chase OMFG!!!!!!!! I love twinks Tyler too….

  • oral4uinthe352

    chase OMFG!!!!!!!! I love twinks Tyler too….

  • Anonymous

    Yes, I agree these gays should come out but, Johnny T would make ALL of us gays look bad with his Lester the Molester behaviors.

  • cockoholic

    I agree with all of these except Westwick — don’t know who he is, so I don’t have an opinion. Seacrest could theoretically just be a douche-like straight guy with too much metrosexual damage from being around the hair and makeup guys in Hollywood — but I doubt it. I thought Lautner was just wishful thinking until he hosted SNL — that queen was on fire!

  • Josh

    I love how the 8) turned into the smiley face. 😛

  • tomzuk

    cruise and travolta can just stay in the damn closet. now gyllenhal ok he can come on out and into my life 🙂 the rest. shrugs. could care less if they came out or not.

  • guesty boo boo

    I thought Vin Diesel was already out as bisexual

  • hman

    Seacrest-Cruise-and Travolta, the hetero’s can have them, we have enough to handle

  • serviceman010272

    ryan seacrest

  • serviceman010272

    ryan seacrest

  • Santino

    Vin DIESEL pushes ALL my buttons ! Hell his voice makes me Drip PreCum !
    I’d Eat his Ass Out & Suck him Dry on National TV !!!!!!!!!!

  • Santino

    Vin DIESEL pushes ALL my buttons ! Hell his voice makes me Drip PreCum !
    I’d Eat his Ass Out & Suck him Dry on National TV !!!!!!!!!!

  • Zahid

    You forgot about Colton Haynes <3 He is perfection

  • brian4peace

    I live in the same city as Taylor Lautner, and have spoken to many people who know both him and his boyfriend. It’s common knowledge. Don’t know how they’ve kept it under wraps for that long.

    By the way, you didn’t include George Clooney on this one? That’s also common knowledge among the LA gays.

  • sabazius

    I have enormous respect for Travolta the actor. It’s unquestionably the most generous guy. He makes a turd flick like everyone else – HOGS! – bad bad bad!
    He’s great on set. Look Who’s Talking 1 & 2. He was the best guy to small actors in 8 line roles and extras – but it’s now gotten so wierd that personally – as a man – he’s just creepy. I never thought of that word. It’s unfortunately the gut sense word that works. I only wish the best for him – and his happiness. Be Natural isn’t just a musical notation. Then when he’s out and coping for 2 years – he’s good material to go into extreme sex fantasies with. Drop the creep factor, pick up the cool gay self – and then come a’knocking!

  • Gleek18

    Taylor …straight?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoGmlCYfSTo come on!

  • Fitz

    I’m with hman on this – those three can stay in the closet. And yes, how is that Grease’s hottie has become so creepy?

  • Fitz

    I’m with hman on this – those three can stay in the closet. And yes, how is that Grease’s hottie has become so creepy?

  • blueyedudenok

    The straight community can keep Ryan Seacrest. Does he really think people will care if he’s out of the closet while hosting a singing competition show? The whole “incident” where he tried to kiss Teri Hatcher to prove he is straight just offended me more than his fake relationship with Miss Hough. Just go away with the Kardashians to some remote island and never come back. Just go!!!

  • Chris

    If TL were gay, he’d be unable to resist the legions of delicious porn stars drooling over him on twitter.

  • Chris

    If TL were gay, he’d be unable to resist the legions of delicious porn stars drooling over him on twitter.

  • DAK23

    I want Taylor so bad… straight or not! He is just so pretty and that body… *sigh*. Excuse me while I masturbate to him for the hundredth time or so.

  • Amen to that!!! I’ll be his first husband and you can be the mistress i go shopping with. Yes, i’m a sharer. I man like Vinny??! To stay with him, you need to realize he is hot as hell and accept that he may play around. So, share.

  • Where did you here that?

  • His voice has a similar effect on me as well… so damn deep!!!

  • I guess the only thing that surprises me about this list is that Zac isn’t on it. Of course that could just be wishful thinking on my part. Side note: DAMN, Chase Crawford is adorable!

  • I guess the only thing that surprises me about this list is that Zac isn’t on it. Of course that could just be wishful thinking on my part. Side note: DAMN, Chase Crawford is adorable!

  • I guess the only thing that surprises me about this list is that Zac isn’t on it. Of course that could just be wishful thinking on my part. Side note: DAMN, Chase Crawford is adorable!

  • I guess the only thing that surprises me about this list is that Zac isn’t on it. Of course that could just be wishful thinking on my part. Side note: DAMN, Chase Crawford is adorable!

  • Anonymous

    I’ve worked with Colton before and have a photo of him visiting at a local gay strip club 😉

  • Anonymous

    I’ve worked with Colton before and have a photo of him visiting at a local gay strip club 😉

  • apothos

    jake g. gets me wet………………..he can come here & cum ANYWHERE he wants

  • apothos

    jake g. gets me wet………………..he can come here & cum ANYWHERE he wants

  • Anonymous

    YUM VIN DIESEL.

    Tyler Perry? Come on out the closet, girl. The weather’s fine.

  • jj345

    uhm… who says he’s resisting them? lol
    you just know he’s been the “pass-around-bottom” in many an orgy!

  • jkel18

    chase crawford + jake gyllenthaal = heaven on earth.

  • Gizmo

    From another post here in Manhunt: “…I have no problem telling a story about a boy who’s always
    felt more comfortable identifying with what society tells him is more of
    a feminine role. So much crap gets heaped upon us as gay men — crap
    from straight people and, frankly, crap from other gay people — about
    how it’s important to be masculine in this world, how your value is
    determined by your ability to fit into masculine norms prescribed by
    heterosexual society and, sadly, co-opted by gay society as a way to
    further disenfranchise and bully those who don’t meet those norms, and those attitudes are a reflection of not just our
    own internalized homophobia, but of our misogyny, too, and that’s
    something I’ve never understood. So if this is a story that causes
    people to examine traditional gender roles and think of them as
    something more fluid, I’m thrilled.” And then you come and post this… I am very disappointed 🙁

  • I really don`t see the purpose of this post at all. If everybody knows then why bother stating the obvious??? In more than one case here i`m fairly sure it`s just wishful thinking and as for the rest……….frankly , my dear, I could`nt give a damn.

  • S.Turrano

    Sorry I read the article. I was O.K. Drooling over Vin Diesel and thinking he was Hetro, but the thought of him being BI and Fucking Guys is keeping me Up at nite.If You’re out there VIN, send me Your worn underwear so I can stretch it over my pillow and sleep like a baby ! LOL

  • J. Harvey

    I didn’t write that one. Dewitt and I aren’t the same person. Recognize.

  • J. Harvey

    Oh wait, I DID WRITE THAT ONE. I just didn’t write that quote! I’m empty inside and speculating on which celebs are cocksuckers fills the emotional void. So sue me.

  • Gizmo

    same blog, isn’t it? I meant the collective “you” as in you guys from manhuntdaily, I know you’re supposed to be all about the shallowness and the horniness, but boy you really deliver when it comes to being the closest-minded, most homophobic possible. I mean, who says you cannot have some feminine attitudes and be straight? Who are you to judge? Just awful.

  • Gizmo

    same blog, isn’t it? I meant the collective “you” as in you guys from manhuntdaily, I know you’re supposed to be all about the shallowness and the horniness, but boy you really deliver when it comes to being the closest-minded, most homophobic possible. I mean, who says you cannot have some feminine attitudes and be straight? Who are you to judge? Just awful.

  • big8boner

    I don’t disagree with the list at all! I find it sad that they can’t feel comfortable enough to come out and enjoy life! The Hollywood Film Community needs to at least get into the 90’s and help these poor guys out!

  • big8boner

    I don’t disagree with the list at all! I find it sad that they can’t feel comfortable enough to come out and enjoy life! The Hollywood Film Community needs to at least get into the 90’s and help these poor guys out!

  • big8boner

    I don’t disagree with the list at all! I find it sad that they can’t feel comfortable enough to come out and enjoy life! The Hollywood Film Community needs to at least get into the 90’s and help these poor guys out!

  • big8boner

    I don’t disagree with the list at all! I find it sad that they can’t feel comfortable enough to come out and enjoy life! The Hollywood Film Community needs to at least get into the 90’s and help these poor guys out!