The Locker Room (Monday Morning Edition): Chris Kluwe For Everything
I have a new love. He’s a Viking from Minnesota. He’s “aw shucks” cute, funny as hell, and has no qualms about calling out homophobic dickfaces about their stupidity. His name is Chris Kluwe and he recently penned an open letter to a Maryland politician who called out Baltimore Raven Brendon Ayanbadejo for publicly supporting gay marriage. Here’s state delegate Burns’ missive in full. Kluwe, rightly, gave Emmet what’s what in response. Here’s a few choice paragraphs.
This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)
- J. Harvey
For more of Chris’ diatribe (and pics of cool-ass Kluwe), follow the JUMP:
Oh, and our favorite part – “lustful cockmonsters”:
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?
By the way, Emmet Burns is black and I will say it – I still don’t fucking get how any person of color can’t see the correlation between their struggle for equal rights and ours. It galls me. Feel free to comment on that below. As for the arguments that we can pass as straight, I’m more than happy to tattoo “G” on my face or something if that helps.
Oh, and in closing:
I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.
P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.
He’s my new straight hero.