Happy Halloween, homos! Since seeing Halloween II (the one where Jamie Lee Curtis actually WAITS for an elevator while the killer is slowly advancing on her. Is bitch for serious? TAKE THE STAIRS, HO!) when I was but a wee lad, I have been HOOKED on horror. If there’s a flick with someone being possessed by Satan, found footage depicting your horrible supernatural death in the woods, or a masked serial killer with a corny theme – I AM THERE. Traditionally, horror flicks are usually pandering to the heterosexual male portion of the gen. pop when they show skin. What bad horror movie would be complete without a jiggly bitch losing her top before someone causes her to lose her head? That doesn’t necessarily mean there weren’t hot guys in some of the horror flicks I’ve loved over the years. Here’s the rundown on the gents that I feel were screwable in some of my favorite horror movies. That is, until they were stabbed, eaten, werewolf-bitten…you get my gist.
– J. Harvey
Check out the “Hottest Horror Heroes,” after the BREAK:
Chris Hemsworth, The Cabin In The Woods – One of the newer entries! Chris played “The Jock” in Joss Whedon’s GENIUS (I kid you not, rent it) horror flick from this past summer. SPOILER ALERT: Homeboy ends up driving his dirt bike into a force field wall and dies horribly (I know that makes little to no sense, just see it). But before he does – he is full of sexy n’ sweet swagger. I’m still irritated, however, that his girlfriend showed her tits in the flick and yet, his pants stayed on.
Tom McBride, Friday the 13th, Part 2 – AMC recently had a Friday the 13th marathon, and did anyone else sorta swoon over the cute guy in the wheelchair in Part 2? Actor Tom McBride played “Mark”, the wheelchair-bound camp counselor who assures “Vickie” (seriously, I looked these names up on IMDB) that his cock still works despite being in the chair. GO MARK! Unfortunately for Mark, before he got naked he took a machete to the face and his corpse rolled backwards down a big set of stairs in one of the more ignominious endings in horror flick history.
Jerry O’Connell, Scream 2 - He looked SO cute as Sydney’s frat boy fella hanging from the ceiling in his boxers. Until one of the killers…nevermind, just watch the movie.
DB Sweeney, Fire In The Sky – Don’t even try and tell me that this isn’t a horror movie. Perhaps you missed the part where cute and cubby DB Sweeney is captured by aliens in the woods, and then systematically tortured by them in that FUCKED UP flashback scene? Yeah, that’s him naked under the latex. I force myself to watch The Cutting Edge right after I watch Fire In The Sky. I prefer cocky, rom-com hockey player DB to terrified, anally-probed DB.
James Brolin and Ryan Reynolds (tie), The Amityville Horror and its unnecessary and ridiculous remake – The original is pretty damn good. The little girl is talking to a demonic pig that only she can see, Satan tells Margot Kidder to get her ass out of the house and she refuses with some serious consequences, and the babysitter should NOT have tried to close that window. Also, if you’re into bearish 70s men, there’s James Brolin. The remake is awful but features Ryan Reynolds chopping wood without his shirt on. I’ll leave it up to you.
Timothy Olyphant, The Crazies – This was a surprisingly robust remake of a little-know George Romero flick. Olyphant is the cute sherrif trying to keep his wife and a handful of survivors alive in his small town gone chemically crazy. They let him wear a uniform here, so he’s a lot more doable than he is on Justified in his cowboy get-up.
Sam Neil, Omen III: The Final Conflict - Sam Neil played Satan’s son like he was James Bond. Sure, he was arranging horrible deaths for the people trying to expose him. But he was remarkably suave and British-hot while doing it.
Bruce Willis, The Sixth Sense – Bruce is hot, period. But he was so kindly and caring as the…SPOILER ALERT…..HUGE SPOILER ALERT THAT THE WHOLE MOVE HANGS ON…dead but ghostly child therapist that I wanted to tell Haley Joel Osment’s character to handle his own problems and leave so I could blow Bruce’s character.
Thomas Jane, The Mist – This movie has the distinction of having the worst ending of any movie I have ever seen. Nevertheless, Thomas Jane is hotter than hell. His character make some bad decisions, but he looked fuckable doing it.
Anthony Perkins, Psycho – Look, he started the crazy and he was cute when he wasn’t dressed as his mother.