The Oscars are coming up on Sunday, which is the kind of thing that I normally get at least a little bit excited about. This year it’s proving kind of difficult, though! Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy, is for some reason hosting, and most of the nominated movies sound like depressing snoozeathons. A French drama about senile old people being mean to one another? Almost three hours of the hunt for Osama Bin Laden? An Andrew Lloyd Webber musical? Life of Pi?
It’s no secret that Oscar voters are all old white men—at last count, they were 94% white, 77% male, and 86% eligible to join the AARP. And it seems as if there’s nothing old white men seem to like more than giving awards to other old white men. Which is maybe why the median age of Best Supporting Actor nominees is 63.
While I’ve mentioned before that I would totally bang Daniel Day-Lewis, the real lookers among this year’s nominees are, of course, Bradley Cooper as the depressed antihero of Silver Linings Playbook and former Oscar host Hugh Jackman as superheroJean Valjean in Les Misérables… If given the choice, which one would you rather present with a trophy on Sunday night?
(By “a trophy”, I mean “your hard dick”, if that wasn’t clear.)