“Hotness Level” is where we take a movie that just came out and let you know if there’s any homoeroticism involved or just really awesome scenes of sexy guys doing sexy stuff like getting naked or doing hot things like dry-humping. And I’ll do it with a minimum of spoilers! Well, just what’s necessary. Nothing pertinent unless it involves something that might give you a boner.
This week, we’re going to take a look at Star Trek Into Darkness‘ hotness level.
Here’s the questions we’ll answer for you every post:
1) Are there any hot guys in the movie?
Fuck yeah. Chris Pine is Capt. James T. Kirk and he’s balls-deep hot. Zachary Quinto has bangs and pointy ears as Spock but I know that might be a turn-on for some of you people. Sulu is played by John Cho, and he’s cute and gets to be a little bad-ass on the bridge. Karl Urban as the ship’s doctor “Bones” McCoy is blustery but super-cute. And if you’re into dudes who look a little like aliens from every abduction story ever and kick major major ass (he’s one of the best parts of the flick) then you’re gonne lurve Benedict Cumberbatch.
2) Is there any male nudity?
Not really. There’s one QUICK shot of Chris Pine sans shirt. That’s it. That’s all the skin on display. What a waste.
3) Are any of the guys wearing anything hot or doing anything homoerotic?
Yeah! There’s a scene in which Chris Pine, Karl Urban, and John Cho are running around in these skintight spandex suits. If you’ve got a latex fetish, you’re gonna love it. The only problem is that they keep trying to obscure the bulges and asses with stupid stuff on the bridge! I could give a fuck about the console CGI. I want to see Chris Pine in a catsuit with his nethers jutting out. Also, the uniforms in general are fairly snug. But not Star Trek: The Next Generation snug. They need to up the snug in this new series. To be truthful, there’s nothing on par with that NICE shot of Pine’s boxer-briefed bum in the first flick.
4) Are there any gay characters and are they doing anything sessy with each other?
No and kinda? See the next question.
5) Is there any gay subtext?
TONS. Like…TONS. Kirk and Spock’s friendship should have quotes around it because they’re definitely sneaking off to med-bay to fuck. They are in LOVE. They should have cartoon birds fluttering around them, bearing a silken banner to drape over them that reads “Kirk n’ Spock 4EVA”! Uhuru (Spock’s lady in this series) should probably move on to the next Vulcan cuz’ Kirk and Spock are totally a thing!
So there ya go. And here’s our “Hotness Level” scoring system:
1 – Christian Mingle.com
2 – Hot guys in the cast
3 – Hot guys in the cast showing a little skin and doing some hot things.
4 – Hot guys doing gay stuff and/or having very little in the way of costumes.
5 – All this gay porn is missing is cum shots.
Star Trek Into Darkness gets…*drum-roll*…
A 2! There’s some doable dudes and that’s pretty much it.
FYI – This scene contributed to their “2”. *dejected sigh*