The Top 10 Actors I Want To Fuck From The Grand Budapest Hotel
Sometimes I think about sex, and sometimes—rarely—I actually think about things that aren’t sex. Things like Wes Anderson movies. I’m a fan! I love Moonrise Kingdom and The Royal Tenenbaums, especially. So I wasn’t expecting my dick to wake up during trailers for The Grand Budapest Hotel, his newest movie. But it did!
My dick is unpredictably zany sometimes. Or is it? I mean, there are a lot of men in this movie and a lot of them are sporting very nice facial hair, and I’ve seen a lot of them naked in other movies. Especially Harvey Keitel. There is a man who is not afraid to show the world his ass.
So, because Dewitt told me that I could write anything today, here’s my top ten list of boner-worthy actors in Grand Budapest Hotel and how I imagine that sex with them would be.
Read my list of the top 10 actors I want to fuck from The Grand Budapest Hotel:
10. FLORIAN LUKAS:
Florian Lukas is a rather baby-faced German actor with smooth skin and pretty eyes. I bet he’s a total bottom who likes having his perfectly neat hair grabbed by the fistful.
9. EDWARD NORTON:
I Googled “sexy Ed Norton” a little while ago and came upon this really disturbing picture of a young lady with a Hitler mustache, swastika armband, and shirt skirt. Because of that he’s only #9, one slot behind…
8. HARVEY KEITEL:
Okay, so I don’t really want to bang Harvey Keitel. However, that man deserves some credit for showing his ass in just about every movie he appears in. Just remember: he’s not masturbating.
7. JASON SCHWARTZMAN:
Jason Schwartzman is a fuzzy little man whose chest is a wall-to-wall carpet and whose legs are equally fuzzy. Which is nice, because I bet that sex with Jason Schwartzman is a very cuddly time.
6. WILLEM DAFOE:
It’s very well-documented that what Mr. Dafoe lacks in the facial features department, he more than makes up for with his monster horse-cock. I’m something of a size queen myself, and if you’re hung even when you’re flaccid, I’d hardly say no. I’d just request that he do me from behind.
5. ADRIEN BRODY:
I’m sure there’s never been a study comparing nose size to dick size, but in my own experience, guys with large honkers are also really, really fun in bed. And well-endowed. Especially the skinny ones. I can see Mr. Brody kicking back while I went to town on his dick for an hour or so before the real fun starts: a flip-fuck session that lasts all night.
4. WARIS AHLUWALIA:
Waris Ahluwalia is primarily a jeweler, although this is his third appearance in a Wes Anderson film. He strikes me as a romantic, the kind that would wine you and dine you before fucking you senseless in eighteen different positions, or more. The few glimpses of chest hair that you get in some photos lead me to believe that he might be even furrier than Jason Schwartzman.
3. RALPH FIENNES:
Ralph Fiennes never struck me as particularly hot, probably because I mostly think of him as the guy from Schindler’s List, although he’s been in a ton of movies since then. He’s actually pretty dreamy, though, especially with his mustache. I bet he could give a really attentive rimjob, the kind where you’re clenching the sheets and writhing around because he knows exactly what he’s doing.
2. JEFF GOLDBLUM:
Something tells me I’m going to be alone in this, but I’ve wanted Jeff Goldblum to fuck me ever since, I don’t know, let’s say Jurassic Park. A really long time. It’s that tall skinny thing again. Plus the glasses. For some reason his glasses give me the impression that he’s rather kinky. He’s over sixty now, but I’d still suck his dick. And then film it, and release it as a sex tape called Jurassic Cock; I’m sure he hasn’t heard that one before.
1. JUDE LAW:
Jude Law is aging very, very well. I first remember jerking off about him as the object of Matt Damon‘s twisted lust in The Talented Mr. Ripley, but he’s only gotten sexier over the ages. I’d tell you about all the unspeakable things I’d like him to do to me but, on second thought, maybe you should just use your own imagination.
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