Between Buzzfeed‘s “Hotties Of The SuperBowl” list and Ranker‘s interactive version on the same theme, I’ve spent a lot of the past two days fapping to pics of attractive football players. More accurately, I’ve spent a lot of time fapping to pics of the New England Patriots. I’m loyal to my damn team! It’s not all that difficult, considering they’re some of the sexiest fuckers in the NFL.

Whether you’re a fan of Wes Welker‘s icey blue eyes or Deion Branch‘s magnificent smile, there’s something for everyone in the Pats’ line-up. Personally, I’m quite fond of Rob Ninkovich‘s beard. Scratch that! I’m just fond of Rob Ninkovich. Even without the facial hair, he’s one of the most boner-inducing athletes I’ve ever laid eyes on. UNF!

- Dewitt

Click through to daydream about giving Ninkovich a facial:

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My refusal to write about “Give Me All Your Luvin’” had less to do with my ambivalence toward Madonna, and more to do with the fact that I only had one joke about it—”The inclusion of Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. feels, uh, superfluous (look it up).”

On top of that, I truly don’t feel any connection with the song. I don’t love it, and I don’t particularly hate it… It’s sort of just, uh, there?

I’m going to get shit for saying that, aren’t I? Sorry, Madge fans! I can’t force myself to L-U-V this track, much like the queen can’t force herself to L-U-V hydrangeas. Since I know all of you care SO much, here are ten somewhat recent songs that I do L-U… Oh, fuck it. I like them. I fucking like them, okay? That’s all.

- Dewitt

Click through to listen to my blatantly more-awesome jams:

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Dewitt refused to write this post. He was very sincere when he asked me to do it for him. He’s not feeling Ciccone. I’m fine with it. I like Madonna. I have been programmed since adolescence to give anything she does the benefit of the doubt. Sure, she’s a self-centered, megalomaniacal, crotchety twat. But who doesn’t like that in a gal?

Her new single/vid is “Gimme All Your Luvin’” and it dropped today. It’s just in time for her Superbowl halftime performance on Sunday. Complete with football-themed video! The “M” in Madge is for “Marketing Spider Queen”. For a breakdown, Follow the JUMP!

- J. Harvey

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That sound you hear is (what’s left of) my soul slowly unraveling, as I watch this atrociously annoying video of Ricky Martin on Glee. It’s also the sound of Ricky Martin performing LMFAO‘s “Sexy And I Know It”, a song that needs to die unless Samuel O’Toole is shaking his ass to it in front of me. <– This actually happened. Ugh, it was glorious. I almost died, and I had to fight my desire to take a sketchy picture.

Yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say about this topic. When does Smash premiere? It’s going to be terrible and involve way too many “feelings”, but at least I can squeal like an idiot every time Anjelica Huston‘s on the screen.

- Dewitt

Click through to watch Ricky Martin perform “Sexy And I Know It”:

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This week, my bud Matthew at Naked Pictures of Your Dad kicked off a countdown of the “100 Hottest Men Who Ever Lived”. I had the privilege of voting as an out-of-town panelist, and I recently submitted a guest post about the #90 finisher Guy Madison.

As someone who doesn’t have an expansive knowledge about film/television actors, I had unfortunately never heard of Madison prior to this countdown. Alas, after a quick Google image search, I quickly regretted not checking him off on my “100 Hottest Men” ballot.

Don’t even get me started on that last picture. Too. Fucking. Cute.

- Dewitt

Click through for more pictures of this Hollywood god:

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