This isn’t the time for Secret Sex. Tell me all your secrets! Which of the thirteen RuPaul’s Drag Race 4 contestants would you be most likely to bang out of drag? My vote goes to Phi Phi O’Hara. She was fucking intolerable last night, and I’d really love to shut her up by sitting on his face. Also, he’s fucking cute with those glasses. I would totally jizz on those glasses.

Sidenote: Pretty sure Sharon Needles is my (and everyone’s) favorite so far, with Willam and Latrice Royale tying for second place. Willam is probably going to win. Other than that, I appreciated Lashauwn Beyond‘s obligatory “This is not RuPaul’s Best Friend Race” quote during Untucked. She’s kind of amazing too, and you know your reality show’s truly made it when someone’s pulled the “I’m not here to make friends” card.

- Dewitt

Click through to see full pics and cast your vote:

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Yes! Hell yes! This is what the Secret Sex series was invented for. Not for me to lust after hot bear rappers or Adam Pally, but to reveal a legitimately shameful crush that I’d never say out loud in the company of friends. Today’s legitimately (!!!) shameful crush is grown-up Haley Joel Osment, whose most famously known for uttering four simple words (“I see dead people”) that thereby subjected us to M. Night Shyamalan‘s awful writing and directing for years to come.

In an attempt to finally outgrow The Sixth Sense and get work beyond voicing characters in Disney’s Kingdom Hearts video games, the now 23 year-old actor is playing gay in the soon-to-be-released flick Sassy Pants (which also features Manhunt Daily fave/utterly genius comedian Drew Droege).

Spoiler alert! Haley did not age well. It might just be the heinous hairdo, but that once-upon-a-time adorable face looks incredibly awkward on an adult body. He might even be what some of you would call “unattractive”. Because, obviously, I would NEVER use that word to describe a person.

Then there’s the kicker. If you pay close attention to the trailer for Sassy Pants, you’ll notice a few shots of Haley’s big, round ass. “Fuckable” doesn’t even begin to describe it! He basically borrowed Rob Kardashian‘s ass for this role, and I ain’t mad at him for it… Haley, if you ever want to have sex with a brown-bag over your head, give me a call!

What? Don’t look at me like that! Just try and tell me you could look at that face while fucking him. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing, ’cause I’d be too busy thinking to myself, “I see my dick up your butt”.

- Dewitt

Click through to see Haley’s big-ass booty in the trailer for Sassy Pants:

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Now I understand how the rest of you feel about Cazwell! For those of you who aren’t in the know, Big Dipper is a new(ish) queer rapper who’s hairy, chubby and gives me an immense boner. His music isn’t technically good by my usual standards, but I like it ’cause I want to stick my face in his butt. True story!

On his latest Bambi soundtrack-sampling single “Drip Drop”, the Chicago-based artist channels Nicki Minaj in both his flow and zany facial expressions, all whilst delivering a uniquely playful style that’s all his own. Well, sort of his own.

Long story short, you know how I feel about big boys who know how to move. This one’s no exception to the rule. I want to get sweaty with him on the dancefloor (and then get sweaty with him in my bed). Swooning! Swooning! I nearly died when he booty-dropped in those blue shorts.

- Dewitt

Click through to see more pics and listen to “Drop Drop”:

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The second season of Happy Endings is the best, because they keep finding excuses to get Adam Pally to take his clothes off. As for the unfortunate side effect of this development? It leads to a lot of awkward moments where I want to pause the DVR, whip my dick out and bust a load on the TV screen.

This isn’t really an option when you’re watching with someone else. Even if the aforementioned “someone else” wants to see your dick, cumming on television screens is a practice that’s generally frowned upon by the world’s population. Plus, that “someone else” might get jealous that you have a crush on a straight (married) actor who’s playing a gay character whose personality strongly resembles your very first gay crush. Let it be known that this “someone else” is definitely not my boyfriend. I swear, you guys!

Blatant lies aside, let’s talk about last night’s episode “The Shrink, The Dare, Her Date and Her Brother”. In particular, let’s discuss the number of shots which featured Pally’s character Max Blum in a pair of white briefs. That should be his costume for the rest of the season… Or for the rest of his life.

In conclusion, I want to lick Adam Pally’s butt. THE END. I hope you enjoyed this book report on how much I want to lick Adam Pally’s butt.

- Dewitt

Click through to see screen-caps of Adam Pally in his underwear:

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I’d still hit it! Look, I don’t know what’s going on with Penn Badgley‘s head right now, but that’s the first thought that went through my mind when I saw these pics on DListed. He could still get it. And he could get it in approximately nineteen and a half positions.

It’s unclear why I’m popping such a chub for Lonely Boy. I mean, the best thing he’s ever done since mumbling a lot on Gossip Girl was this, and that’s really not saying much. It’d be acceptable if he were in good shape, but I don’t even have that to fall back on! He looks like a normal person, and yet that somehow makes him more attractive to me…

Ugh, can I just shampoo that horrid mop of follicles with my jizz? Maybe we could pull off some sort of There’s Something About Mary effect, and it’d gel down that monstrosity for the good of all mankind. Please! I’m so mad at my dick right now.

(More pics here, by the way.)

- Dewitt

Photo credit: Pacific Coast News