What the fuck is wrong with my dick? First, it was this picture of Russell Brand looking like an obnoxious juicebox, and now I’m getting a boner from this picture of Sacha Baron Cohen‘s butt? This is not okay! Someone needs to take my dick to finishing school and teach it how to be normal.

Ugh. I’m disgusted with myself.

- Dewitt

Photo via: World of Wonder

Everything about this picture is wrong. For starters, it’s fucking Russell Brand. He’s so unsexy that he’s sexy, and it makes me feel weird in the pants… Then you throw in those awkwardly baggy Y-front briefs and a carefully placed male head, and I feel even weirder in the pants. Stop it, dick! I refuse to let you be aroused by this.

Russell’s ex-wife just released a music video. I didn’t watch a single second of it, but I’ve included it after the jump to justify this post’s existence. Maybe you’ll enjoy that more than this terrible, disgusting image that gave me a shameful yet pleasurable erection.

- Dewitt

Click through to watch Katy Perry’s post-divorce whatever:

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Is it really “news” that former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron hates gays? He’s a hardcore, born again Christian who doesn’t believe in evolution. The man starred in the Left Behind films. It’s not exactly surprising that he believes “homosexuality is unnatural, detrimental and ultimately destructive to foundations of civilization”.

Then again, it’s not exactly surprising that GLAAD‘s upset about an irrelevant ’80s sitcom star coming out against gay marriage. Their Senior Director of Programs told TMZ (of all places) that Cameron’s views are “out of step with a vast majority of Americans, particularly people of faith who believe that their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters should be loved and accepted based on their character and not condemned because of their sexual orientation.”

Well, duh.

I’m sorry for being such a cunt about this, but I think there are bigger enemies to face than Kirk fucking Cameron. His appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight was clearly meant to showcase what an idiot he is, and we should all just ignore it and move on with our lives…

Oh, but I guess I’m ignoring the Secret Sex part of this post! Occasional Manhunt Daily contributor Diego IM’d me earlier this morning with a link to the story above, and our discussion on the topic inevitably devolved into this: “It’d be hot to blow him while he’s ranting about homosexuality being a sin… He should keep his mouth shut and his ass cheeks open.”

That’s a direct quote from Diego. While I can’t say I necessarily agree, it’s not exactly surprising that I’m going to ask all of you—would you blow Kirk Cameron? Would you fuck him up the ass while he read quotes from the Book of Leviticus? Would you do things that were unnatural, detrimental and ultimately destructive to foundations of his rectal area? Discuss!

- Dewitt

Click through to watch Kirk Cameron talk about how much he hates us:

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Hello, Michael Hichborn! I’m digging your salt and pepper hair, inviting lips, judgmental eyes and overall “power bottom” vibe. Why don’t we head over to Planned Parenthood, pick up a pamphlet about fisting and give it a try together? I’ve never had any interest in attempting it before today, but there’s just something about you! I get the impression that your tight ass would enjoy the feeling of my whole hand shoved deep inside…

Oh, what’s that you say? You don’t have a tight ass? You’re really just an uptight asshole who’s blatantly homophobic and believes Planned Parenthood’s corrupting children by hooking them on sex, in order to maintain their alleged “abortion business”? Never mind, then! You can just suck my dick. Literally or figuratively. The choice is up to you, and I have a pretty good feeling about which option you’d choose.

Enjoy your time with the American Life League! Perhaps you can schedule a potluck dinner with all the Groupon users who object to providing young LGBTQ individuals with safer sex kits? Just an idea! Also, can I borrow your shirt? It’d look cuter on me.

UPDATE: Since one of you asked, here is a link to the aforementioned Groupon campaign.

- Dewitt

Click through to watch Hichborn’s “Hooking Kids On Sex” video:

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Apparently, I was a day too early with yesterday’s Secret Sex feature on Max Greenfield. The actor got more naked than he’s ever been on last night’s episode of New Girl, which isn’t saying much ’cause the show’s on network television. There’s only so much nakedness they can show in a time slot after Glee.

Unrelated, was anyone else wishing the landlord would butt-fuck Nick (Jake Johnson) in a threesome with Jess? It would have been so adorkable!

- Dewitt

Click through for more pics of Max Greenfield in his boxer-briefs:

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