Everyone is so busy talking about Robin Thicke‘s big dick and how “Blurred Lines” is the 2013 Song of Summer and, blah, blah, blah, something else about sexism and objectification. (I actually take that last part seriously, lest you were worried I was being dismissive.) The 36 year-old R&B singer’s new album just came out today, and in response to that, I want to acknowledge that we’re all missing the big picture here…
Alan Thicke, father to Robin and star of the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains, is the hottest Thicke of all time.
To demonstrate this point, I’ve outlined ten especially convincing reasons that will make you squeal in delight as you pre-cum in your boxers. This post is likely the most NSFW thing I’ve ever written for Manhunt Daily, so you probably shouldn’t read it if you’re around anyone who doesn’t want to see your boner. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
– Dewitt
Check out ten reasons why Alan Thicke is way hotter than his son below:
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1. He will get you “Sweaty and Hot”: Beyond Growing Pains, people forget that Alan Thicke was an accomplished songwriter, penning the theme songs for Diff’rent Strokes and The Facts of Life. His greatest accomplishment, however, was an original song composed for the 1988 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship, which includes such choice lyrics as “Ready or not / I’m cumming / Baby, I’ve got some muscle for you / Sweaty and hot / I’m open / I’m gonna bet when I’m done / You’re gonna beg me to have some big time fun / Oh, darling / I work my body out just for you”.
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2. He once posed in Playgirl: Prior to the irrelevant Levi Johnston era of the magazine, Playgirl got actual celebrities like Alan Thicke to take off their clothes for the world. You can grab a copy of this important piece of pop culture history for a mere $4.98 on Amazon. While you’re at it, you might even learn how to tell if he’s MR. WRONG.
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3. No, really, he posed for Playgirl: They didn’t just throw him on the cover! Thicke stripped down completely, and as one person on Tumblr put it, showed us that smile again. This is Jason Seaver like you’ve never seen him before. Neither his real-life son (Robin Thicke) nor his TV son (Kirk Cameron) have ever showed this much skin.
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4. He might be Trenton Ducati’s biological father: Am I the only one who thinks there’s a weird resemblance between Alan Thicke and gay porn star Trenton Ducati? I’m convinced that Ducati is Thicke’s secret love child, conceived in between one of his three marriages and adopted into another family to avoid any tabloid scandals.
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5. AIN’T NO HAT 4 THAT! AIN’T NO HAT 4 THAT!: Alan also co-wrote “Ain’t No Hat For That”, which is arguably the best song on Robin Thicke’s sixth studio album Blurred Lines. Though it might just seem like a funky throwback jam, a deeper look into the lyrics reveals impressive vocabulary words like “obstreperous”. Alan Thicke wants to do more than make you dance. He wants you to learn.
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6. He’s aged well: Take a moment to imagine what Robin Thicke will look like in twenty years. Will he be a handsome silver fox like this? Or will he be sort of creepy and predatory-looking? Nobody knows for sure, but I’ll place bets that he won’t look anywhere near as dapper as his father. This is a man I’d get into some daddy/son roleplay with, for sure.
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7. This picture: Look at him all sprawled out on a desk, inviting us all to step into his office! Forget the 6 lucky bitches who got fucked by Colby Jansen in an office. I want to be the one lucky bitch who Alan greets naked in his desk chair and motions to sit on his lap. I know Dr. Jason Seaver is a psychiatrist, but I’m sure he could swing a prostate exam for me…
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8. The theme song to his talk show is so good: If I didn’t have to work right now, I’d be dancing in my underwear to this and humping the air around me. Is Alan Thicke a more talented musical artist than Michael Jackson? The Beatles? Beethoven? One could argue the answer is most definitely “yes”. The person making this argument would also be one-hundred percent correct.
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9. But, really, we need to talk about his talk show: Remember that time he felt up a bodybuilder? Everything he says in this clip sounds so sexual that my taint might explode from overstimulation. You should not watch this clip unless you’re okay having an orgasm the moment you hit the play button.
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10. Did you watch “Sweaty and Hot”?: If you didn’t, go back to item number one on this list. If that video clip doesn’t work, watch it on YouTube and cherish it forever. The world should not be deprived of the sweaty hotness of Alan Thicke any longer. Tell all your friends! Tell all your coworkers! Tell your grandmother! He’ll work his body out just for you.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.
Does anyone else think the face in that Playgirl shot doesn’t match the body at all? Primitive 1987-era photoshopping.
Fun fact! The bodybuilder he’s feeling up, Bob Paris, is gay. I had a huge crush on him back in the day.
I’m pretty sure it’s fake. Alan Thicke is a hairy beast in the chest hair dept.
OMG, I used to have the worst crush on Alan…but then Robin came along and was the upgraded version and so I’m all about Robin now. Damn it, he is so sexy and I very much want to confirm that he does have a big dick…you know by him shoving it in me.
He sure did seem to have a little man-crush going on there. He kept crossing his legs…no doubt to stop the pre-cum from flowing down his legs.