Never been to a party? Paris Hilton’s “Good Time”, an instructional guide on how to throw and/or attend a successful fete, has officially launched today (yesterday as a leak, today as a full video). The song, released by Cash Money, is absolutely god-awful terrible, but the video explores the makeup of what it takes to be the queen of spring break. And we appreciate that someone, somewhere, is clutching at the reminder of an early noughties dance party as nostalgia.
Follow these seven easy steps to becoming Paris Hilton:
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STEP 1: Stud everything
Spike and pyramid studs are back–on bathing suits. Drown sexily. Everyone knows it isn’t the ne plus ultra of sexy poolside soirees unless someone dies. Paris Hilton knows this. Teach us, Paris.
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STEP 2: Ask people if they are having a good time a lot
“Are you having a good time?”
Are you sure? What can I do to make it more fun for you? Are you having a good time? Everyone loves hearing this incessantly. Paris Hilton knows this. She is a good host.
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STEP 3: Bring sexy people
“Got my sexy girls with me. Oh I love it, whoa oh let’s party. Yeah let’s party and have a good time.”
No one wants to attend a party that doesn’t have sexy girls being blown by fog machines attached to LED-lit storm troopers. Or one girl writhing next to an onyx pebble floor.
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STEP 4: Hair whip. Always hair whip.
Paris Hilton just gets ‘sexy.’ Not only is she bedecked in a sopping wet “Rich Girl” tank top, but she spends several seconds just wet hair whipping to attract Lil Wayne, the male lead. Who she never really interacts with, save vocally.
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STEP 5: Cast Lil Wayne, but don’t interact with him
Oh, sorry Mr. Wayne, I’m too busy fucking invisible men while lying around in my bespoke bathing suits. And I know I am sitting in a Eero Aarnio ball chair, but I have the company of my silk screened pillows so you are not invited. But are you having a good time?
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STEP 6: Look fierce as fuck
I’ll be honest. I was obsessed with the teaser of this track, but as a finished product, it is too clunky. But I will give Paris Hilton kudos for looking like a bad bitch with her party laser wands and endless supply of swimwear. It’s Paris, bitch. And she’s back.
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STEP 7: Watch and learn
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Totally disgusting. This woman has no redeeming anything. I am impressed by the depth of her message, though…”Let’s part and have a good time.”
She has one redeeming quality. She lowers the bar so much on what is considered “talent” that Britney can cross it without tripping.
and still less trashy then mileys ‘we cant stop’…….some how?
Back from…where, exactly? Her music career was never stellar, and as far as I know didn’t get fat, so…she went from being thankfully obscure to making terrible music (again)…
OH GOD PLEASE NO !!!!