A Sex Letter To Evan Peters From “American Horror Story: Asylum”

Dear Evan Peters,

You have pulled off a neat trick in your two seasons on American Horror Story. You have managed to transform my dislike of your unattractive character (although the skullface was hot) in Season One into full-blown lust for your Season Two character. I am in love with Kit Walker, the alien-targeted, Boston-accent murdering, greaser mechanic-turned food co-op owning hippie good guy you played in American Horror Story: Asylum (the astonishing season finale aired last night). You became so attractive to me that (*HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) even when your character was prying the bloody axe out of his dead wife’s back in a recent episode, all I could focus on was how hot your pale, muscular legs looked in your tighty-whities. THOSE LEGS. Never mind the corpse, I was trying to discern the exact contours of that cottony bulge.

Creator Ryan Murphy (an openly gay man, himself) was obviously completely aware of his actor’s sex appeal. This season began with “Kit Walker” getting his bare ass sprayed down and scrubbed in the asylum shower, and then getting bent over a desk and having it caned by a very lucky Jessica Lange. It also seemed like whenever he was put into a straightjacket, he was relieved of his pants. He got spanked again in a later episode, and don’t think Dr. Arden wasn’t enjoying having Evan bare-chested on his lab table when he (*AGAIN A HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) stopped his heart to facilitate contact with the aliens.

What changed it all for me, besides solid glimpses of Evan’s hot body? Maybe the hair? Evan played a sociopathic teenage ghost last season, and had kind of a messy mop with a bad dye job and it was just blech. This year he went from 50s gas station attendant hotness with the slick pompadour to poncho-wearing hippie with the soft curls and being all (*YET ANOTHER MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT) caregiver for formerly evil nuns and it was just…fuck, the kindness and sweetness he portrayed gave me a huge boner.

Evan, I realize you’re an apparent hetero and I am a happily married homo. But my husband agrees with my opinion of your hotness, and has given me carte blanche in the event of you deciding you want to fuck around with a dude and somehow find yourself in Boston looking for someone appropriate. I would grip your asscheeks so tightly while I deep throated what I imagine to be a substantial cock.  And when you were ready to melt, I would turn you ’round and bend you over so I could tongue-fuck your supple ivory ass. And when you were moaning and sighing and grunting from my eating your butt, that’s when I would slip my cock in and ream you royally. Man, I can’t wait for Season 3.

– J. Harvey