ANTM: Dreckitude

Did you stop watching America’s Next Top Model? Perhaps you’ve never watched any of the past thirteen cycles? Either way, you should consider tuning in for this season. So far it’s full of surprises, and the behind-the-scenes drama has never been better. Spoons were thrown! Words were exchanged! And it was the best hour and a half of my life ever (not actually true).

The episode opened with a nude photo shoot, in which the girls could only choose one garment to wear. Later, runway diva J. Alexander taught the girls the importance of timing in their runway walks. This lesson came in handy later when they were challenged to walk in designer Rachel Roy’s fashion show. Two huge pendulums swung on the runway, and collisions were imminent.

The second half of the show found the twelve remaining competitors modeling a purple perfume as water and wind blew directly onto their faces. The final elimination (yes, there were two) was quite unpredictable, and we’re sure you won’t be able to guess who went home! Click through to find out, and catch up on last week’s episode here and here.

– Dewitt

To check out this week’s rankings, follow the JUMP:

1. RAINA (LW -5): Immediately after watching last night’s episode, the only thing I knew about these rankings is that Raina would be on top. Her performance in both photo shoots was absolutely exceptional, and it’s clear that she won’t be eliminated any time soon. Of course, I’ve been wrong about things like this before. 

2. ANSLEE (LW – 12): What the hell?Apparently, the stick up Anslee’s butt is full of fierceness. After seeing her post-makeover photo and, I didn’t see this coming. She really sold that handbag, and the profile in her second picture is utterly stunning. Let’s hope she can keep up this momentum. 

3. TATIANNA (LW – 11): Perhaps it was a little premature to say, “Tatianna is not a model.” I originally hesitated about placing her so high on my list, but then I took another look at her pictures and changed my mind. Though the first picture is a little too sexy, she worked that scarf so hard that even I wanted to buy it. And the vulnerability in her second picture? Beautiful.

4. BRENDA (LW -4): After being handpicked by Rachel Roy to pose on the designer’s website, Brenda turned out the lower of these two photos. Yes, the one where her mouth makes her look like a horse. Though she looked great on the runway, Ms. Roy expressed concern about how she’d photograph for her site. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this was just a fluke, because she really delivered in the first shoot.

5. ALEXANDRA (LW – 7): Modeling doesn’t come naturally to Alexandra, and there’s a chance that her competitive spirit will lead to her quickly picking up on various techniques. This is mostly wishful thinking on my part. I felt so bad when she fell during the runway show. And then she went and did it again! But you know what? She gained her composure and moved right along. Good for her!

6. ANGELEA (LW – 13): All of this praise for Angelea pissed me off. Would I stop and look at her first picture if I saw it in a magazine? Yes, but only because there’d be a random naked chick in the middle of my magazine. Her awkward pose draws no attention to the shoes she’s supposed to be modeling. I can’t really tell you why I’ve ranked her so high after such a rant, but it makes sense in my head. 

7. SIMONE (LW – 3): Simone has got a bangin’ body. In the first photo shoot, she didn’t convince the female version of myself that I want to buy that jacket, but she did make me want to touch her legs. Basically, she turned my female alter-ego (which actually doesn’t exist) into a lesbian. And I’m personally gay, which means she converted me twice. Now let’s see if she can utilize the combined powers of her sexiness and fabulous haircut to turn out a good photograph.

8. ALASIA: If Alasia continues to improve at a slow rate over each week, there’s a chance that she could continue to move forward in this competition. In other words, she’ll be gone before we know it. She’s too inexperienced at only eighteen years old, and it really shows in every step she takes. On the other hand, I don’t want her to go home until she actually throws a wooden spoon at someone. Just sayin’.

9. JESSICA: As much as I want to like Jessica, I can’t get past the fact that she doesn’t give good face. It’s not as if she necessarily gives bad face, but I’m never really brought in by anything beyond her poses. I just keep asking myself, “Is she really a model?” And so far, my answer to that question isn’t very positive. Clearly, I know nothing, because the judges loved her nude picture so much that she was called first.

10. KRISTA: Krista’s first picture would have worked if it was placed in a series of aloof-looking models, acting as if they hate the garments they’re presenting. Otherwise, it’s kind of crap. She turned out a relatively simple look for her second shoot, but it somehow translates into a powerful image. Do I think she’ll be around much longer? If so, it’ll only be for the drama.

11. REN: What. A. Cunt. Every time Ren started complaining about Alasia being too loud, I wanted to reach my hand through my television and rip off her lips for being such an elitist douchebag. She didn’t even try during the second photo shoot! Did anyone else wish that Celia from Cycle 12 would pop out of nowhere to reveal that Ren doesn’t even want to be in this competition? If the girl doesn’t want to be a damn model, let her go back to fucking Texas and grow back her armpit hair. JEEZ!

GONE… NADUAH: Was anyone else totally surprised by this? I’m glad I didn’t place any money on Naduah’s ultimate victory, because I was wronger than I could ever imagine. While I don’t think these pictures are particularly great, I also don’t think they were that bad. To add insult to injury, Tyra came up with some bullshit reason for getting rid of her like, “You’re so edgy but your poses are too classic.” Just keep her around another week and tell her to be more edgy! It’s early in the competition, you know?… On the flip side, I’m not too sad to see her go after getting a glimpse of her personality in this past episode.

GONE… GABRIELLE: And here’s another case of total shock. The judges were speechless when this photo appeared on the monitor. I should clarify that they were speechless in a bad way. Maybe I’m not a fan of necks or something, but I thought this was pretty charming. Gabrielle had such potential, and it’s crazy that they sent her home this soon.