ANTM: Erin Wasson

“I know you guys love some A. Wang.” You can’t make this shit up. Those were actual words that came out of model Erin Wasson‘s mouth, as she appeared on last night’s premiere of America’s Next Top Model. An exemplary representation of reality television’s power to get pretty people to say stupid things.

She was, but of course, referring to Alexander Wang. In their first few moments, the fourteen brand new contestants showed off the famous designer’s looks, all while taking on a long, twelve-inch… er, runway. And did we mention they were encapsulated in giant plastic bubbles full of glitter? Again, you can’t make this shit up.

This week’s photo shoot found the girls posing (or not technically posing) backstage for photographer Russell James. Some of these bitches totally rocked it, while others just looked like lifeless mannequins. Click through to check out the pics and read about our first impressions…

For those of you who are wondering why we still bother re-capping this show, let us refer you back to this post. The last time we threatened to stop our weekly ANTM updates, there were forty-five comments and most of them were like, “BLAAAH! I’ll die if you stop doing these”. Plus, we’d like to pretend that we’re the successor to Rich Juzwiak‘s throne. ::sigh:: We’ll sincerely miss his recaps.

– Dewitt

Photo credit: Chris Frawley

To check out this cycle’s contestants and read more, follow the JUMP:

1. MOLLY: Wasn’t the whole point of this shoot supposed to be candid, backstage snapshots? This looks super posed to us, though we have to admit that it’s much better than what we expected from Molly. This former band geek has a competitive spirit. See typical ANTM quote: “I always wanna win”. Taking that into account, she’ll need to do a lot of work before she’s crowned this cycle’s winner. Did you see that disastrous outfit she wore to the judging? Who the fuck dressed her? Stevie Wonder?

2. BRITTANI: Trailer park chick gone chic! We’re fans of Ms. Brittani, even if we don’t understand why the judges were raving about this photo. Like, seriously. We swore Tyra was going to grow a penis and splooge all over herself. It wasn’t that interesting or artistic. She’s just sitting there with her eyes closed, you guys!

3. ALEXANDRIA: Did you hear? She has natural swag! In all seriousness, Alexandria is going to be a whole lot of fun. They’ve already established that she’s the “token bitch” of the house, and we’re anxiously awaiting her Mommie Dearest breakdown with Jaclyn. NO WIRE HANGERS!

4. MIKAELA: Those eyebrows! The cheek bones! There’s something very stunning about Mikaela. She has one of those faces that catches your attention, even if you don’t find it aesthetically pleasing. It’s yet to be determined if she can actually model. But we already see so much potential…

5. DALYA: We were so excited about Dalya. On the Top Model website, she was the only contestant who provided a unique answer to the “Favorite Designer” question–Alexander McQueen and Glambattista Valli. While this picture shows she’s got a good look, it says a lot that we had no notes about her by the end of the episode. Absolutely none.

6. HANNAH: This should have been the top picture. It’s one thing to look glamorous on your own, but it’s another to stand out when there are four other girls in the frame. Then again, maybe we’re just biased. Hannah’s hippy-esque personality gained her an early spot in our scrapbook of favorite contestants.

7. ONDREI: Based on the promo photos alone, Ondrei was the only girl who really stood out for us. We have to say we were a teensy bit disappointed when we finally saw her in action. Hopefully, she’ll shape up once they give her a makeover. Because, duh, they’re going to cut all of her hair off.

8. MONIQUE: You know someone’s in trouble when they’re immediately designated as “the sexy one”. Monique’s got the right look for Maxim, but we’re not sure if she’s very Vogue Italia. Alas, she impressed us in this first shoot! You could cover up the whole bottom two-thirds of this pic, and her eyes would still look incredible.

9. NICOLE: Okay, we think Nicole is utterly gorgeous. To quote RuPaul, we were gagging on her eleganza! With that said, was this really the best photo they could get of her? And, if so, why the hell was her name called so early in the judging? She should have been in the bottom two, or at least on the brink of the bottom two. This chick needs a slap in the wrist.

10. KASIA: Fierce. Smizing. Dreckitude. These are only a few of the words popularized by America’s Next Top Model. Now, behold Tyra Banks’ latest catchphras–“Fiercely Real”. It’s her new way of saying someone’s plus-size, or doesn’t live up to the stick-thin standards of traditional supermodels. Kasia is this cycle’s token “fiercely real” competitor.

11. JACLYN: Jaclyn is so adorable that she should be annoying. Whenever she speaks, you just want to pinch her cheeks, put her in your pocket and take her out when you’re feeling sad and lonely. She’s basically the living embodiment of cutesiness. But does she have what it takes to win? It’s impossible to say.

12: SARA: Honestly, here’s our first thought when we saw Sara. “She went to Wesleyan, Bard or one of those crazy liberal colleges where people constantly run around barefoot on hills.” Our second thought on Sara? She’s a very handsome woman. She’s got a classic beauty to her, despite the hard, alternative edge. It’s more Joan Crawford striking than Marilyn Monroe pretty, you know?

13. DOMINIQUE: Though Dominique appears to have a stank-ass attitude, we’re interested to see how she’ll look after makeovers. We’re worried that the freckles are the only thing she has going for her. Not that worried, in all actuality. Honestly, we were much more worried when she fell in the giant bubble. It was painful to watch, and we don’t think we’ll ever recover from her embarrassment.

ELIMINATED: ANGELIA: Okay, so we know Angelia wasn’t going to be around for very long. This looks like a shot from an amateur photography class, where one of the students thought he could get away with lackluster composition by taking pictures of a typically pretty girl. And that’s all we have to say on this matter.

BONUS SIDENOTE: Was anyone else worried the models were wearing Crocs on the runway? We kept trying to pause our DVR and get to the bottom of this mystery, but it never quite worked out in our favor. Luckily, after seeing the behind-the-scenes shots, we were relieved to see that this wasn’t the case.