ANTM: Kyle Hagler

Male model alert! Look, it doesn’t matter if you don’t give a fuck about America’s Next Top Model, because last night’s episode was all about Simone Brediarol. This incredibly attractive young man posed with the five remaining contestants, acting as a sculptor who breathes life into his creations. Speaking of which, he could breathe into any orifice of my body. Not that I’m a slut or anything…

Because if I were a slut, I’d mention my double-penetration fantasies with this sexy fucker and Nigel Barker. The “noted fashion photographer” stepped in for this week’s shoot, thereby making any man within a five mile radius cum in his pants. Even the straight ones. Seriously, how is it legal for a man to be smoking hot and have a drool-worthy accent?

Oh, but I’m getting off topic again! Prior to the shoot, the competitors ran around Milan like chickens with their heads cut off. In other words? This was the infamous go-see episode. The girls were asked to visit four locations in four hours, traveling on public transportation in a city they’re not familiar with. And then the judges wondered why they didn’t make it to all of their appointments. Sounds logical to me!

– Dewitt

Photo credit: Ivano Grasso

To read more about this episode and check out the pics, follow the JUMP:

1. KAYLA (LW – 1): This is the point where the competitive aspect of this show losing any semblance of suspense. We already know Kayla’s going to win, and it’s just a matter of who she’ll be competing against in the finale. This was another great (if not slightly boring) shot, but you could tell she was really delivering on set. Unrelated: Can we talk about how she called the subway an “underground railroad thing”? Hilarious! This bitch thinks she’s the white, lesbian version of Harriet Tubman…

2. CHELSEY (LW – 3): Will Chelsey be this cycle’s runner-up? I sure as hell hope so, because it’d actually make the finale worth watching. Even though she’s never been selected as best picture, Chelsey’s always a pleasure to watch on the runway. Plus, she’s the only girl who made it to two out of four go-sees, which proves she has the determination to fight for the win.

3. ANN (LW – 4): The judges raved how Ann really understood the artistic intent of this photo shoot, though they criticized her for her inability to emote. Of course, the most ridiculous thing uttered by one of the judges? Tyra told Ann that she needs to be vulnerable. Obviously, Tyra didn’t get the memo that Ann is the most vulnerable human being on this planet.

4. JANE (Bottom Two, LW – 2): It’s always funny when contestants are told they need to work on their personality. They could be told they need to work on the way they present themselves, but the judges phrase it in a way that makes them feel like a terrible person with robotic emotions. In my notes on Jane, I wrote down a quote from Tyra Banks–“All we see is a crack”. I don’t remember the context of this, but I mean, she’s so weird. She just, you know, came up to Jane and started talking to her about crack. [Ten points if you catch this reference]

5. CHRIS (Eliminated, LW – 5): We all knew Chris didn’t have what it takes to become a high fashion model, but they strung her along to establish that she could be “the next Wanda Sykes”. Tyra encouraged her to take acting classes, which loosely translates to Tyra wanting to take credit when Chris gets her own sit-com…