ANTM: Patricia Field

I know you’re distracted by the bulging pectorals in the picture above, but this post is actually about the woman to the right. Well, technically it’s about thirteen women competing for the chance to become America’s Next Top Model. Want to see penises? There’ll be plenty of opportunities for that later. For now, we’re going to talk about pseudo-high fashion!

Last night brought us the beloved makeover episode, an epic event where eyebrows are bleached to make people more “marketable”. Three girls played a prank by leaking a fake “hair agenda” into the Top Model house. Obviously, hilarity and teardrops ensued.

For the photo shoot, the remaining contestants were strapped into harnesses and photographed as fallen angels by Anne Menke. Each model was asked to come up with a word to describe their angel, yet very few of them took this task very seriously…

The judges didn’t approve of this. In fact, aside from the top four names called, the entire cast was designated as pure dreckitude. But who was the most dreck of them all? Who was the least? You’ll have to click through to find out!

– Dewitt

Photo credit: Patrick Wymore

To read more and see pics from this episode, follow the JUMP:

1. ANN (LW – 1): When the judges latch onto the “awkward girl” this early into the competition, it can play out in two entirely different ways. If you’re someone like Cycle 13 winner Nicole Fox, you’re going to win the damn crown. But if you’re not as lucky? The judges will become disenchanted after a while. I’m loving Ann’s post-makeover shot, but I don’t understand the hype with her angel pose… (Angel Word: Longing)

2. KAYLA (LW – 2): Mark my words, Kayla will be the first openly lesbian winner of America’s Next Top Model. It’s just a shame that her new hair style is so incredibly horrid. This is what you’d get if you combined Cycle 9 winner Saleisha Stowers with a fire truck. The worst part? She may be single because of this! “My girlfriend had two stipulations,” she confessed to the camera. “Don’t come home with red hair, and don’t come home bald.” (Angel Word: Evil)

3. CHELSEY (LW – 3): This is some fucked up shit. Remember when Tyra forced Danielle “Dani” Evans to close the gap between her teeth? Since the gap tooth is so hot right now, Chelsey was sent to the dentist to get her gap widened. Alas, she continues to maintain her fierceness. Keep your eyes on this bitch, because she’ll definitely be around for a while. (Angel Word: Mysterious)

4. CHRIS (LW – 9): Given her sister’s fate, it was fitting that Chris chose the word “heartbroken”. While her confidence may take her far in this competition, she needs to work a bit harder on giving good face. With that said, I thought her photo was the best of the bunch, even if it didn’t explicitly convey her chosen emotion. (Angel Word: Heartbroken)

5. RHIANNA (LW – 10): Rhianna loved her super long extensions, because they made her feel like a hippy. Um, since when is “hippy” the equivalent of a cracked-out Blake Lively? This girl’s interesting enough to wear the high fashion label, but I’m not sure how I feel about her out-there personality. (Angel Word: Hopeless/Sultry)

6. LIZ (LW – 6): Oh, did I forget to mention that four contestants were pulled aside during makeovers, and one of them was sent home? Liz was among that bunch, since she talked shit about her new short hair. Obviously, she was not sent home. (Angel Word: Powerful/Victory)

7. JANE (LW – 7): Jane is too sexy for her own good. You wouldn’t think this by merely looking at her on the street, but her eyes scream “sex” in every single photograph. She’d be more appropriate on the cover of Maxim than Vogue Italia. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. (Angel Word: Scorned)

8. KACEY (LW – 11): Even though Kacey’s perfectly capable of giving good face, she failed to do so in her photo shoot. In my opinion, this pose is absolutely beautiful, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with rebellion. The judges thought this was too “dance”. This is especially confusing, since they were all about dance on last cycle with Alasia. I guess you just can’t win with Tyra Banks? (Angel Word: Rebellious)

9. KENDAL (LW – 4): If Kendal had put in a little more effort and chosen a different word, she would have been called towards the top of the pack. This one’s a little too serene. It’s almost as if she understood the angel aspect, but failed to grasp the “fallen” part. Oddly, the biggest problem with this photo is the shitty art direction her hand. It’s absolutely dead! Had she clasped it a little harder around his neck, she would have looked totally bad-ass. (Angel Word: Desire/Lust)

10. ESTHER (LW – 8): In so many ways, I want more from Esther. Her modeling has been mediocre at best. And the only thing we know about her? She’s a Modern Orthodox Jew from Boston. There’s so much potential here, and I just really want her to live up to it. (Angel Word: Fearless)

11. LEXIE (Bottom Two, LW – 5): Called it! Ever since Lexie posed next to Jordan in the first episode, I could tell that she’d be one of those “doesn’t know how to pose” girls. In a way, I’m kind of sad she didn’t prove me wrong, because she won so many points for that fake “hair agenda”. (Angel Word: Predatorial)

12. SARA (Eliminated, LW – 12): Whenever someone talks about how much they miss their baby, it’s almost a given that they’re going home. I found it amusing when Sara said she’s “hanging on a thread”, given the concept of the photo shoot. I mean, they were almost literally hanging on threads. Every single one of them. (Angel Word: Longing)

13. TERRA (Eliminated, LW – 13): It’s probably a good thing that they put Terra out of her misery. She was a mess in this competition, and it only seemed like it’d get messier. My only wish? That they had sent her home last week. It was simply cruel to give her a makeover she hated, and then tell her to pack her bags.

PREVIOUSLY: ANTM: Welcome To High Fashion (episode one), ANTM: Diane Von Fürstenberg (episode two)