Bow Down: 10 of The World’s Hottest Princes

Even though most of the world’s royal families are now just meaningless decorative pieces that have been scattered around the globe, there’s something unavoidably hot about a man with a title. It, therefore, bares consideration as to what they’d actually amount to without all that pomp and money. Consequently, here are the world’s ten hottest princes and a little speculation as to what they’d amount to without the benefit of all that hereditary luck.

– Charley Flynn

Check out the top ten list below:

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1) Prince Pierre Rainier Stefano Casiraghi of Monaco:

Age: 26

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t third in line to the throne of Monaco, he’d be an aspiring leading man in Hollywood, but he’d never make the move to the US and would remain, on some level, constantly baffled that things didn’t fall into place for him without any effort. He’d move to London and hang out with florid, vagabond actor types, he’d marry a really short but pretty Japanese girl straight away and he’d be plagued by a deeply ingrained guilt about how irresponsible he was being with his life, having grown up needing to be the strong, confident adult next to his genuinely bizarre, possibly psychotic older brother. Hammering the final nail in any hope of an acting career, at age 38, he’d end up working as the business manager for his brother’s dental practice.

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2) Prince Andrea Albert Pierre Casiraghi of Monaco:

Age: 28

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t second in line to the throne, he’d be a frightening but accomplished dentist. He’d never have had friends at school so he’d have studied a lot, by himself. He would be able to smile but it’d be a weird, forced, “bearing of teeth” type struggle more than anything else. As the years progressed, a middle-aged woman would threaten him with a lawsuit citing the vague charge of “unusual conduct”, but it would be dropped thanks to intervention from his younger brother, Pierre who would discover that the woman, herself stricken with OCD and no stranger to weird reclusive behavior, was a hoarder of cake pans from the 1950s, they would eventually get past the suit, become friends and marry. They would yell at each other late at night and throw pans but would keep it civil in public.

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3) Prince Carl Philip Edmund Bertil, Duke of Värmland:

Age: 33

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t third in line to the Swedish throne, he wouldn’t go to college, preferring instead to move to Stockholm so he could work in a restaurant, because it would seem to him like the best way to get laid. He’d be confident because of his looks, but he’d feel inferior to his methodical cousins and brothers who all went on to either work in middle management government jobs, open pet stores or teach English in China and, therefore, earn a secure living. He’d find it hard to keep a girlfriend, because he’d forever equate using his sexuality to appear alluring yet unattainable to his primary investors, all gay men in their 60s, and, in general, to his patrons. At 47, he’d be alone but would own three bars in Stockholm and a restaurant in the Dublin. His relatives would find him charming but exhausting, because he’d insist on telling them frantic, never-ending, transparently ludicrous stories about how successful he was.

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4) Prince Harry of Wales

Age: 28

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t the second, almost third, in line to the British throne, he’d be that guy your younger brother is friends with who is in good shape without working out too much and who harbors a secret self-esteem problem that stems from being quite sensitive but having only hung out with brutish, Lord of the Flies type guys who have ridiculed him in a jovial manner all his life. He’d rarely get a haircut and wouldn’t bathe regularly for the shock value, but he’d always be noticeably polite to your mother. He’d be the kind of guy who had only one testicle and, as a result, constantly brought it up when drunk, following up the announcement about his singular ball with an immediate display of his (impressive) biceps and naturally straight, white teeth to overcompensate.

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5) Prince Amedeo Marie Joseph Carl Pierre Philippe Paola Marcus d’Aviano of Belgium, Archduke of Austria-Este:

Age: 27

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t seventh in line to the Belgian throne, he’d firstly be British – at least culturally because he would have grown up in Britain not Belgium. He’d have earned an undergraduate degree in political science at Oxford and would have realized early on that he was naturally fairly right wing, because he’d have a very low range of emotional responses to things in general. He’d often find himself thinking, in the strange ethereal moments before sleep would take over, about owning a dog like the one his uncle who lived in Calais used to have, the one that was killed by a drunk driver and left to die on the side of the road as they all sailed boats and lounged in the sun that one terrible summer. He’d wear glasses instead of contacts, because he’d find messing with his eyes to be unnecessary and secretly frightening.

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6) Prince Félix of Luxembourg, Prince of Nassau, Prince of Bourbon-Parma:

Age: 28

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t the son of the Grand Duke and Duchess of Luxembourg and a billionaire, he’d be a real estate agent who targeted trust fund kids and their parents as they grapple with buying that first apartment. He’d have one sister named Marta, Gretel or Liesl, a passive apologist mother and bully, racist father who was struggling emotionally after being laid off from his job as manager of an industrial Laundromat in Ettelbruck. He’d try to live in the neighborhoods in which he was selling property so he could get a feel for the culture of it, and he’d often find himself at hipster bars or dark, gay leather dungeons late at night mid-week, in a suit, sweating and drunk, disoriented because, in his own version of his future, he was never meant to be so beholden to people who were so visually weird. He’d use a shiny wax hair product to slick his hair back in a way that, in his mind, aligned him with the aggressive, formidable presence of someone like John Gotti who, he’d liked to think, was one of his idols.

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7) Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed Al Maktoum, Crown Prince of Dubai:

Age: 30

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he was not the Hereditary Prince of Dubai, he would be a frustrated cell phone salesman who drove a BMW, which he leased in his parents’ name after spending hours convincing his father about the importance of personal image in sales. Always looking for a way out of the cell phone racket, he’d have a long term plan to raise legions of falcons, train them to carry secret cameras in miniature helmets and fly over enemy camps taking photos without being noticed and sell them to the militaries of foreign countries. Some mornings, he would stand in front of the mirror and almost want to applaud the way he looked naked despite the fact that his work outs involved only bicep curls but at a certain point he would feel as though his interest in his own body was inappropriate and he would get slightly angry at himself.

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8) Prince Philippos of Greece and Denmark:

Age: 27

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t the youngest child of King Constantine of Greece and Anne-Marie of Denmark, he’d be a shy, introverted student who wouldn’t have quite come to terms with his homosexuality until the second year of his musicology degree when he’d meet an older man in a chat room who’d win his trust by demonstrating knowledge of Wagner. He’d come out of his shell completely by the time he was 22, at which time he’d start working out a lot to overcompensate for being unavoidable stricken with what he felt was “carb face” and his interest in music would be slowly replaced with an obsessive interest in circuit parties, working out, gay bars and recreational drugs. He’d move to London where he’d take a job in a bank and would live for the weekends when he’d go out and dance shirtless and consider that he was still interested in music, except now he danced to it. He would grow to regard his prior interest in musicology as something shameful and trivial but, he would often remind himself that he certainly smiled a lot more now that he had friends.

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9) Prince Nicholas Michael de Roumanie Medforth-Mills of Romania:

Age: 28

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t heir to the throne of Romania, he’d be a somewhat disappointed P.E. teacher at a private boys’ school in Bucharest. Having always been pretty good at soccer, he’d have grown up imagining himself as a professional soccer player but, following a knee injury, he’d resentfully have studied teaching. He’d wear a tie, white shirt and jeans to work and he’d find a basic joy in teaching spoilt young men how to kick a ball but would resent them for their potential, and he’d tell himself he was attracted to the lithe, blonde American exchange teacher upon whom every heterosexual male at the school had a crush, but it would mask his own real attraction to the thick, brutish forty eight year-old male hands of the head of economics. His father would have died when he was a child and his mother would be a somewhat nagging, constant presence in his life who would do his laundry once a week.

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10) Albert Maria Lamoral Miguel Johannes Gabriel, 12th Prince of Thurn and Taxis:

Age: 30

What he’d be doing if he wasn’t a prince: If he wasn’t the world’s youngest billionaire and a prince, he’d run a Bed and Breakfast on a farm in rural Germany. He’d take over managing the farm, a small property on which his family had grown turnips and raised increasingly inbred but technically safe beef, that had been handed down through his family for three generations, at the point when dementia caused his father to believe he was a crow that needed to sit on the roof of the house and watch for rodents. Albert would do a correspondence course in business administration and would come up with the idea to open the property up to tourists. He would become a borderline alcoholic who drank beer at 11am and would then, at night, sing to the turnips to help them grow faster. His wife, a stout woman his age from a family of goat herders the village over, would correct his book keeping mistakes and keep everything running, but she’d never tell him and he’d never suspect.