As we all know, coming out is not an easy process. It can take some of us years to finally gain enough courage to share our true selves with our family, friends and those we love… And, in certain cases, it can take decades.
Today’s submission for Coming Out Month begins on a rather dark note, as a fifty-five year old man reflects on a secret he’s been keeping since he was four. The ending, much as we hate to spoil it for you, serves as another reminder of the freedom that comes in “when you open the door to that hellhole you call a closet”. Beautiful stuff!
– Dewitt
Photo credit: TR Pics
Click through to read this member’s coming out story:
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In the fall of 2011, I was at a crisis point in my life—being gay but hiding it for a very long time. The following was from my heart, at that time, and I called it…
“My Secret Pain”
Right now, this very second, I’m in so much pain that I want to die. Fifty one years of keeping secrets is eating me alive. I feel as though I’m losing my mind. Most of memories of childhood are non-existent, as the secret had to be kept at all costs. The way for me to do this was to forget everything.
As far back as I can remember, at age four, I had a type of sexual awareness for other boys. How or why I had this awareness is a mystery. As a ward of the state, anything could have happened. It could have been in my home before removal by children’s services at age three, at a foster home, or the children’s home before being adopted.
Now at fifty-five, I’m dealing with being gay and married and what I’m going to do about it. I know the fashion is to come out, but my heart tells me no. How selfish would it be for me to come out now and devastate my elderly parents? And hurt my loving wife of thirty-three years?
She has been at my side all the way through hell and back, including the loss of our daughter at age twenty by suicide. My other daughter would probably never let me see my grandkids again. I know the pain I feel is unbearable; how could I inflict that on a loved one?
Maybe with my constant flight schedule, a plane will go down and I’ll be the one killed. That way, my secret pain will remain with me to the grave. I’m such a coward. My daughter had the guts to do it. Why don’t I?
I’ve prayed so many times to be “normal”, yet this issue remains the same. The Bible teaches that He knew us in our mother’s womb, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So with that, was I born this way, and if so, do I really need to ask for forgiveness or changing?
Round and round I go, slowly going down the drain, each time around with my secret pain. Will it ever stop, ever change, will I ever be accepted for who I am? So I finally can be released from… my secret pain?
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A few months after I wrote that letter to myself, I somehow summoned the courage to come out to my wife and the world. It was a very rough time since then, but it’s getting better. She blamed herself for quite a while, but over time, she is realizing that it’s no one’s fault. Some may say that I was just trying to join in the “trend of coming out”. This was the hardest decision that I’ve ever made in my life, so trust me when I say I wasn’t trying to be “trendy”.
I just couldn’t live with “the secret” any more. It was literally killing me—mentally, physically and spiritually.
Some of you may be wondering what took me so long to come out. I’ve wondered that many times myself. There were many hindrances. I grew up in an ultra-conservative farming community where it was better to be a serial killer than be gay. Religion, family and the like also made it abundantly clear that I wouldn’t be welcome anymore… So block by block, I walled myself off, trying to hide even from myself. Mainly I hid due to FEAR.
Fear of being alone, unloved and even being dead.
UPDATE: We received a follow-up e-mail from the author of this story – “I wanted to share an update to my coming out story that you published. In my story, I mentioned my concern about coming out to my daughter… being concerned about not being able to see my grandkids, if she reacted negatively, etc. I came out to her two weeks ago, and it went great. In fact, she came out to me too as being bi, and it was a sense of freedom for us both.”
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Now that it’s been almost a year later, I made this post to my timeline on Facebook a month or so ago.
“I’m not so naïve to think that all who I come in contact will be happy for me. Some may be hateful and despise me for what and who I am, and if that’s the case, just save your hate and un-friend me. Others, I hope, will be supportive and help me along my journey. Some of the days ahead are going to be rough, yet I hope there are also days of self acceptance and awe and wonder. There might be some that wonder how I can be a man of faith and be gay… You should know one thing… Nothing can separate me from the love of God. Not you, not myself or my being gay.”
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What a great journal of true and eventual bravery.
A really inspirational story. Thank you for sharing it
If you are over 30 and still in the closet, stay there. No one is going to want you anyway as gays prefer 18-29 and in good shape. Save yourself the pain of rejection, and keep the pool clear for those 18-29; the ones that matter.
If you are over 30 and still in the closet, stay there. No one is going to want you anyway as gays prefer 18-29 and in good shape. Save yourself the pain of rejection, and keep the pool clear for those 18-29; the ones that matter.
If you are over 30 and still in the closet, stay there. No one is going to want you anyway as gays prefer 18-29 and in good shape. Save yourself the pain of rejection, and keep the pool clear for those 18-29; the ones that matter.
If you are over 30 and still in the closet, stay there. No one is going to want you anyway as gays prefer 18-29 and in good shape. Save yourself the pain of rejection, and keep the pool clear for those 18-29; the ones that matter.
What an awful thing to say.
What an awful thing to say.
What a hateful, shallow remark that is. There are plenty of men in their 50’s that are not only desirable, but a lot more genuine then the shallow, plastic, circuit boy types that still manage to find themselves alone most mornings.
Give some credit to the older guys that have a lot more character then boys like you.
They say an idiot is born every minute….looks like your minute 27yeaaroldhottie has arrived. But, then again maybe you have always been narrow-minded. You are close to 30 and life as you know it is about to come to an end!
OUCH that’s rather harsh and very mean spirited to comment like that. Unless you are on the front page of a mens fitness magazine and or a model you should not be so negative. It’s guys like you that think so highly of yourself that make others look bad.
and anyone that gives themselves the title of “hottie” or the like is arrogant to begin with…
Um, even if you’re on the front page of Men’s Fitness magazine and/or a model, you shouldn’t be so negative.
NOBODY should ever be that negative.
Hello, this is David the author. Yes, there is a segment of the community that thinks the same as you. But there is a growing majority that have realized that their self worth is not held captive by these 11 “magic years”. It would be my hope that you do some soul searching about the time that is coming soon… when your self imposed shelf life is over. You have more worth than that as a person!
Congratulations, David. If that’s pure admiration you’re sensing, you would be right.
Congratulations, David. If that’s pure admiration you’re sensing, you would be right.
I admire those who have had a rough time coming out. I consider myself very lucky because my parents aren’t religious and have always been very supportive. Even with this luck, it was hard for me to come out. I can’t imagine the difficulty for a person who might have serious consequences for revealing who they are. All I can do is give my support, and work to make it less and less difficult for every generation.
I admire those who have had a rough time coming out. I consider myself very lucky because my parents aren’t religious and have always been very supportive. Even with this luck, it was hard for me to come out. I can’t imagine the difficulty for a person who might have serious consequences for revealing who they are. All I can do is give my support, and work to make it less and less difficult for every generation.
This story is very much like my own…I came out to the wife in 2003 and the kids in 2005…….I was raised Italian Catholic in the 60’s as the oldest in a very macho jock family……I am still married and for the most part still closeted from the world but my family knows, my mother and sister as well…….no body knows the pain of being afraid to come out and I envy those guys who are/were strong enough to stand up and be proud…….