Dear Doctor Queerlove,
I’ve been having problems with a current relationship. Everything started out great: he was affectionate and always wanted to spend time together. And he’d smile at me! You know that smile, when you just think you can sit there forever smiling back at him. Then it suddenly started falling apart.
It began as little insults in front of friends, but I thought nothing of it. Then he slowly started pushing me away. He’d usually wrap his arm around me in bed, but then he kept to his side and turned his back to me. All affection ceased. Not even a hug. After a couple of weeks, I finally had to talk to him. He said he needed time to think and wasn’t sure he could do a long distance relationship over the summer (an hour away at his parents’ house). He wants to take a break and try to start things back up when we came back for school. He says he really cares about me but just can’t stay in a relationship right now.
On top of all that, I found out that after bringing a "friend" to a party and having a couple of beers, he started making out with said “friend” in front of everyone.
I still care about him (a lot), but that last act was a punch in the gut. He’s never been in a relationship before. My friends tell me he just doesn’t know what he wants. Do you think this is true? Should I move on or try to start things back up when he moves back?
Thank you so much for your help.
Hope
For the doctor's advice, follow the JUMP:
Hope, you seem like such a genuinely nice guy that it’s going to be difficult for me to be so brutally honest. But I’ll persevere.
You should’ve JoJo’d his ass before he left for summer vacay. This guy’s selfishness is matched only by parents with TLC reality shows.
Your friends might be right about him not knowing what he wants out of life or a relationship, but personally, I think he knows. He knows he wants to skank around over the summer without the burden of a boyfriend. Still, his mental state does not justify him treating you like a disposable cum rag. He is obviously concerned about what’s best for him, and you should be thinking about what’s best for you—which is to be with someone who values you and your relationship. I can understand concerns about the challenges of a long distance relationship, but an hour away?! That’s not long distance, that’s across town! Some people drive that long to get to work every morning.
I’m glad you tried talking with him. As we all know, the Doc is a big fan of communication. I think you should have done it earlier than a few weeks, to see if something was legitimately wrong with him or the relationship and offer to support or work on it. The earlier any issues can be addressed, the easier they are to rectify. From what you’ve shared with us, I’m going to deduce that he was just torn about how to be a complete asshole and tell you he wants a summer break. Not a break-up, which would be the respectable thing to do, but a 3-month hiatus where he loses nothing and gains everything when he decides to come back. What are you? A part-time job? Nay-nay. That’s a deal-breaker, ladies.
Lastly – and I don’t mean this condescendingly, though it may come across as such – are you all just in college?! Seriously, if you still get the luxury of summer breaks, you are way too young to need to worry about the possible future of any relationship. Toss this mofo like a tissue. There are a ton of men out there who wouldn’t insult you by cheating on you in public (talk about lack of respect for your reputation), giving you the cold shoulder in bed, or putting you on pause for three months. And since he hasn’t given you a reason for this break (at least not a mature reason), then you need to decide what’s more important to you, Hope. His convenience or your self-respect?
Has your papi got you down? Does your trick make you go “hmm”? Email the doctor at Queerlove@manhunt.net for your prescribed dose of reality.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in Jazzercising. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
I hope this guy really takes the advice and moved on. It sounds to me that this is the first time this guy has been in a relationship and he’s afraid of going back out into the dating world. He needs to remember the number one rule in any relationship is respect each other, which this other guy did not do. Be smart, value yourself, respect yourself and find someone who really wants to be in a relationship and not just a fuck buddy. Don’t be blinded by the sexual attention and confuse it with love. I’ve seen too many guys do that and they waste a lot of years trying to create happiness in a loveless situation.
OMG…I so agree with the doctor! These KIDS are still in college. What is up with all the children wanting to be in a LTR at this stage of the game? These are the best years of their lives. They will never be more free and probably never hotter and they want to go and set up house at the ripe old age of 21/22!! WTF??!! Isnt this the time in their lives to be “sowing the wild oats”?
Though I agree with your final note, you got to be careful when talking to teenagers. Adults see things much clearer than youngsters sometimes, especially when it comes to love .. I’m sure anyone of you will have had such feelings as a teenager .. When nothing but your boyfriend matters and when you would do anything to keep seeing him !
Give the kid a break and let him get to his senses the good old fashion way: ‘total agony’