Dr. Queerlove,
I was dating this guy for 3 months. He told me he loved me and 2 weeks later went with some friends to a gay resort for a 5 day stay. I called, texted, sent smoke signals, but he never replied. His excuse was that he never checked his phone (I know. Lame as hell excuse). After a lengthy period of arguing, I finally had some courage and called him to tell him I didn't want to be with him because he is inconsiderate and just seemed to be playing games. I cried for a month every night. I did love him.
After 3 months he got into contact with me and asked if we could be friends. Me being me, I said ‘ok’.
I was a damn fool. He started to lie again.
I broke off the friendship, but when he had a car accident I felt sorry for him and started to talk to him again. Then he moved to Miami. I went there for vacation and we talked for a bit, but he never tried to visit because his license was suspended.
Then there was another car accident and he moved back to Jersey. Again, I felt sorry and I started talking to him after he contacted me.
This cycle went on. He lied to me, again, so I sent him packing and erased him from everything.
Well, out of the blue he called me up and asked to meet. I was wondering if I should even give him the time of the day. I made it clear that if we ever meet it would only be as 2 guys meeting in a bar to have drinks. Period.
Should I be nice anymore? I want to show him that I am strong and I do not need him.
Btw, we dated 2 years ago.
Sincerely,
Nice Guy
For Dr. Q's advice, follow the JUMP:
Nice guys and weak guys are easily mistaken. They’re just so similar! One is polite and respects people, including himself; the other will do anything to get someone to like him. Oh, wait a minute… they’re actually not that similar. Weak guys just tell themselves they’re “nice” to rationalize their desperation.
Nice Guy, I’m not trying to be mean (it comes naturally). I’m sure you’re a great, intelligent guy. But I’m gonna give it to you bluntly: being a nice guy doesn’t mean jeopardizing your self-respect; repeatedly setting yourself up for disappointment. There is a huge difference between not being mean, spiteful or petty (a.k.a. being nice) and allowing yourself to be used, lied to or devalued (a.k.a. being weak).
You’ve given this guy—we’ll call him “Crashy”—more than enough opportunities for redemption, and he consistently shows that you are not a priority in his life. You’ll make him a priority in yours, yet allow him to make you an option. “…if we ever meet it would only be as 2 guys meeting in a bar to have drinks.” This tells me you are not ready to be the “strong” person you want to show him. Which is another problem: you want to “show him” you’re strong, you don’t want to be strong. Your concern is what he thinks of you, not what you think of yourself. And the minute you meet up with him you’re telling him you’re the same person you’ve always been. Crashy comes and goes because he knows you’ll let him. You’ve done it a million times before.
What do you want from him so badly that you won’t walk away? What makes you think this time will be different? Do you honestly think he’ll change? It’s not going to happen. (Listen up, Rihanna.)
Dr. Q has a saying, kiddies – “At some point, the pain of holding on is greater than the pain in letting go.” Nice Guy, only you can honestly say if you’ve had enough. I don’t doubt that you care about Crashy, but you need to care about yourself enough to know when to say good bye to someone who, to me, seems to be using you.
If you want to be a nice guy, start by being nice to yourself. That’s real strength. A nice guy respectfully tells someone who’s hurt them that it’s time to part ways, wishes them the best out of life and walks away with dignity. And when they pop back out of the blue to “hang out,” tells them “I meant what I said last time. I hope you are doing well, and wish you the best. Good bye.”
The weak guy says they can be “friends” and meet “casually” (let’s be honest, this is never the real reason) so he doesn’t have to acknowledge he’s not strong enough to stay away. A weak guy goes back when the other guy is in need; making himself believe that it’s the “nice” thing to do. But it’s really about the “opportunity” to go back for more. A weak guy wants to show “strength”, thinking it will bring vindication and with it the real strength he so badly wants. A weak guy convinces himself it’ll be different. But for the weak guy, it never will be.
“Nice Guy”, it’s time you decide what type of guy you really want to be.
How are you, honey? Do you need advice on that sad situation you call your love and/or sex life? Email the doctor at Queerlove@manhunt.net for prescribed dose of tough love.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in ergonomics. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
Once a liar , always a liar. This guy isnt going to change so move on. Find that guy that will be respectful of u. TWO accidents tells me there is a lot more behind the scenes with this guy.
It sounds like his Karma is following him, do you really want to be under that black storm cloud? Dude, have some more respect for yourself. Also you can’t honestly love someone unless you love and respect yourself , and part of that formula is respecting others. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t respect himself. This formula is like oil and water. Move on. Time heals everything. I promise you years down the road you will see this guy and he will look like shit and you will be happy. And you will be so over it , you won’t care. Hurts like hell now but time really does heal everything.
I agree.
While we should always listen to our heart and what we feel, we can’t just throw our minds to the wind.
In this case, you’re letting your heart’s desire engulf your reason. While you want him, badly (clearly), you have to ask yourself: “How is this different than the last times? Who’s to say he won’t disappoint me again?”.
When we throw out our ability to question and evaluate the stability/reliability/trustworthiness of a person in preference to fall head over heels and believe stuff works out like a Lifetime romance movie, we set us up for a world of disappointment.
He is not going to have an epiphany involving your concerns and ran back to you with arms wide open as a changed man anytime soon. Cut your losses and find someone that returns the care and devotion that you give to them.
I can’t comment on NG’s situation without knowing more about the lies he has told as a friend. The best I can say is that if he has hurt you, I suggest you make HIM do all the work next time he wants to be your friend. Don’t lend money or do favors. Don’t plan your schedule around him. Don’t travel more than 5 minutes to meet him. If he really doesn’t care and is just taking advantage, that should drive him off for good.
I can and will comment on Doc’s advice, though. FUCK THAT. It is, as I have suggested, possible to stop someone from walking all over you without kicking him to the curb. There is no pain worse than losing someone from your life completely, having experienced it, I have no desire to inflict that on anyone who really cares to see me. I get insulted a lot, because, let’s face it, I am abrasive and people don’t know how to handle someone frank. But not a person who knows me has ever described me as “weak”.
ok thanks for the advice Dr. Love. I have read it and I do understand what you say. I will not take all of it. I believe in Karma and I can not kick people ot the curb no matter how much they deserve it. I simply cannot do it.
I do not think I am weak because it takes more strength to restrain oneself form doing the easy thing and being mean.
I have found that if I am mean to anyone I always get it back 10 folds very quickly. I have experienced Karma first hand.
All I wanted from him was a straight answer as to whether he HAD any feelings for me. Yes or no, it does not matter because I have learnt form my experiences with him and I do not need him.
I am dating nice guys who appreciate me and respect me. I COME FIRST in relationships now.
Oh, with regards to dating a few people at the same time, I have not been intimate with any of them. When I am sure that I would like to persue more with one of them I will have to stop dating any others.
Thank you guys for the additional comments.
I really do appreciate the comments and the advice from all of you. It has helped me to see more of the light.
Give it a rest…the guy is a loser and a user and will use you again and again, even as a friend.
Even as a friend he will find ways to use you…forget him and find someone who cares about you as much as you care about him…but Dr.Q. is right…first you have to lean to care for yourself.
Awww, nice guy…that guy is a total douchebag. I wouldnt even go to the bar to sat hi to him. I would say you know what no you have been a total slime ball and until you stop lying about everything dont come knocking at my door
You don’t need people like that in your life. They will just bring you down to their miserably low level. Let him go!!!