Dr. Queerlove,
[Last week] you told that guy to dump his boyfriend for not having sex with him, so I can imagine what you'll have to say about this. I've been with my boyfriend 8 years…and we have great sex. We moved to Boston in 2005 when he started grad school at MIT. He didn't want to live together then. We still don't now, so I don’t know why I thought moving to MA would lead to us getting married. He knows I want to, but he’s “in no hurry to act like straight people”.
That’s my main issue, but also, and this is probably me just being bitchy – he is so cheap!! He makes three times as much money as I do (way over $100K) and he makes us use BillShare for everything. Everything is split. He never treats me to a night out, even though I like to treat him from time to time. Last year I couldn’t afford a $200 flight for his sister’s wedding and he just said “fine.” Didn’t offer to pay or even loan me the money. I ended up borrowing it from my mom. For his birthday I threw him a party and got him a new briefcase. For my birthday next month he told me he’ll rebuild hard-drive. Isn’t that weird? I need to get over the cheap thing, don’t I?
We’re both 30. I’m ready to get married because I want a family. I don’t want to throw away the last eight years. How can I get him to a place where he’d be ready for marriage? How can I make our relationship stronger?
Always the… groomsman. Never the bride.
For Dr. Q's advice, follow the JUMP:
Groomsman,
Honey, let me put this as clearly as possible: he is never going to marry you. It’s not the answer you were looking for, but Dr. Q’s going to tell it like it is. Let’s set aside the fact that he’s tighter than a crab’s ass in hot water (at least with his money), and talk about why you won’t be walking down the aisle towards that Unitarian priestess.
Everything in your email tells me this person is not the marrying kind, or at least (prepare for it…) not with you. Relationships work when both involved want the same thing, or are willing to equitably compromise for the well being of each other and the union. If he’s dead-set on not getting married (and after eight years I’m going to guess that’s probably the case) not even Crisco and a stripper pole will change that.
If you’ve had open conversations (which if you haven’t, you should) clearly telling him that you need marriage like Gail needs Oprah, and he remains steadfast against it or continuously brushes it off, you have to ask yourself if this person is worth giving up that part of yourself.
What worries me is that after 8 yrs the two of you don’t live together. You didn’t elaborate why so I won’t assume; but you’re putting the cart before the horse. If he doesn’t want the ball and chain, the big step you need to work towards is a common address. Given your desire for wedlock, if this hasn’t happened after eight years, I’d seriously re-evaluate where the relationship is headed.
Lastly… BillShare? Seriously? I am one cheap ass mo, but BillShare? This is the guy who asks you to pay 65% of the salad y’all split because you had more croutons. I won’t comment on his miserliness because you’re right. Like you said “you have to get over it.” This should come as no surprise, and you say it’s acceptable every time it happens and you say nothing.
Nonetheless, I would like to point out that you, Incessant Groomsman, are not dating a man. A real man would never cheapen his relationship by treating it like a trade of goods and services—making sure his boyfriend of eight years doesn’t pay less than his share by counting pennies and having an online tool split receipts. He wouldn’t dream of you not being by his side at his sister’s wedding. He’d rebuild your hard-drive on a random Tuesday, not as a cop-out gift for your Birthday. A real man is romantic. Not cheesy candlelight romantic; thoughtful and chivalrous romantic. You don’t have a real man. You have an MIT grad student.
According to you: your boyfriend isn’t going to marry you, doesn’t have to live with you, never spends any money on you, but you have great sex….
Groomsman, I’ll let you come to your own conclusion. Just think about what you want out of the next eight years of your life.
Thanks for reading, y’all. If you have a question for the doc, email Queerlove@manhunt.net.
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in grammar. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.
You forgot to mention that this poor guy is just blinded by the good sex, thinking that because they have a strong sexual relationship that they can work through the other stuff. In reality, I think he’s afraid to move on and find someone else because he’s invested so much time already when he should have walked away years ago. The fact that his partner doesn’t want to move in together after all these years is a big red flag. I wouldn’t be surprised if the cheap boyfriend has other things going on.
just use those 8 years as a sex practicum and move onto a more paid position under someone less [jewish-back-when-it-was-allowed-to-be-used-as-a-mild-insult-to-somebodies-cheap-frugal-nature-despite-how-much-money-they-have-over-whoever]
“You don’t have a real man. You have an MIT grad student.”
Uhm, what? I thought that was completely unnecessary. So now all MIT students are assholes? I go to MIT and have never treated my boyfriend like he has. Get over the nerd stereotype already…
I could be wrong, but I don’t think that was the intent of that comment.
Boyfriend??? WRONG!!! Sounds like you guys are FuckBuddies… or maybe Friends with Benefits. You might be a notch up from a Hookup, but not even close to Boyfriends.
dump the motherfucker already
I didn’t say it before, but yes, Groomsman, you need to give him an ultimatum: move in NOW, married within 2 years, or you are gone. AND you need to actually follow through. Yes, you hate to throw out 8 years, I totally understand. And I understand that despite always having to pay, you probably have other fun times together that you did not mention in your e-mail. But there are only 3 other ways this can turn out, all worse: A) he grows a pair of balls ends it, and not only have you wasted 8+ years, you lost it all on his terms instead of yours, B) you come to your senses further down the road and have to throw away even MORE wasted years, not to mention you will be older and have a harder time finding a new mate( before people jump on me, not because of age alone but because of the fact that he has been out of circulation since 22), or C) you spend the rest of your life showing this guy a level of devotion he will never, ever, reciprocate.
At least if you get him to marry you, even if it doesn’t work out, you get alimony from the tightfisted bastard( DON’T YOU DARE SIGN A PRE-NUP).
I hope you will post here someday and let us know what happened. I fear that a lot of guys writing for this kind of advice want reassurance and ignore the good suggestion to end their shitty relationship. If you actually do it, I would be happy to befriend you and help you deal with the fallout and eventually get back on the market.
Oh, and no one else wants to say it( except Rod, in vague terms) but, if you are not living together and you don’t get to keep an eye on him, someone as distant and uncaring as this guy is( and believe me, he is, even if it is hard for you to see or admit) is almost certainly not being exclusive sexually with you, maybe not romantically either.
And yes, you ARE being excessively bitchy about his cheapness, but he is being an excessively miserly asshole.
Also, Doc: Unitarian congregations have ministers, not priests and priestesses. Do your fucking research.
And how come no one is reacting to BlockedUser’s nasty ethnic slur? Damn faggot.
hey roger here, the point is the guys never had a discussion about thier friendship, they should just sit down and talk period, wow it sounds lke the old adminsttration, talk and you will achieve , dude open up your mouth, like you may live to 30 holding in all of what your going through