Hey – it’s J. Harvey and welcome to Gay Ass Gossip. We’re going to be doing a little end of the week celebrity gossip round-up here on the Daily with one important difference from the rest of those bitches. Every item I write will involve at least one guy you’ve fantasized about fucking, or fucking you. We swear! Don’t scoff, it’s doable. This is Manhunt, we had to tie in this bullshit with gay sex somehow…
ITEM – Bruce Vilanch..kidding! George Clooney revealed on Piers Morgan‘s new show that his masculine elegance contracted malaria while helping out on a diplomatic mission to prevent genocide in the Sudan recently. I know a bitch who was in the Peace Corps. who got malaria and that shit is no joke. And I use “shit” for a reason because awful things come screaming out of you and you’re sweating out every ounce of moisture and it’s all cuz’ of a damn mosquito. “I guess the mosquito in Juba looked at me and thought I was the bar,” Clooney cracked. He probably just wanted to do you. You’re The Clooney. I’d totally go to Juba for you and that place sounds horrible.
– J. Harvey
For more celebrity tidbits about dudes who rate big on your fuckability scale, Follow the JUMP:
ITEM – Halle Berry‘s ex, Canadian model Gabriel Aubry, has reportedly petitioned to establish paternity of their daughter Nahla, 2. The impossibly perfect-looking couple were never married, and split in April of last year. Sources say that Aubry wanted to establish himself as the daddy because he and Halle are having some hellacious fights and he wants to insure that she….wow, he has REALLY fluffy hair. If I were a womanly type of gay, I’d want to run my hands through it.
ITEM – Sandra Bullock‘s ex, Third Reich aficionado Jesse James, recently announced that he was planning on marrying his girlfriend of five months, celebrity tattoo artist Kat Von D. Hopefully she likes underground bunkers and long walks around the concentration camp. Sandy Bullock ended their six-year-marriage last summer when it came to light that Jesse had been putting the jackboots to every slut with multiple tattoos that he could find. About his impending nuptials to Von D, he says “growing old with her is going to be a f—-n’ blast!” With a declaration of love that mature, what can go wrong?
ITEM – Paris Hilton is a useless slattern but I’m going to write a couple of lines concerning her gross ass because I saw this mug shot of her boyfriend Cy Waits. And yes, he’s a bit apey, but kinda hot in a cocky sort of way, right? Dewitt thinks so. Anyway, Waits is facing four years in prison on charges including driving under the influence and narcotics possession. Last August, Paris decided Kim Kardashian‘s big ass was getting too much attention so she had this dummy drive her around the strip in Vegas with weed smoke wafting out of their ride. Then she let the cops see she had cocaine in a purse that she claimed she had “borrowed” after they pulled them over. Can I borrow your purse? The one with the cocaine? Anyway, she got a year’s probation but he might find his brick face biting a pillow in the slams. Good luck to you, Cy, but considering who you’ve been dating it’s probably less scary being gang-raped in the showers.
gabe is really sexy, I bet Halle is a bit crazy to be with.
I would totally do Gabriel Aubry. The others….not so much
I would just like to know who judged the fuckability of these dudes. Of course Clooney is amazingly sexy and who wouldn’t want to have their way with Gabriel Aubry but Jesse James and Cy Waits? Was the judge of fuckability shot in the face with thick cum and then punched directly in the eyes? Because that’s the only way you can find Jesse James remotely attractive.
gabe is golden
gabe gabe la la
I’d fuck Jesse James. There, I said it.
who cares about these “celebs”?
Your writing is terrible. And trashy. You insult gay people by assuming that the quality of writing we want to see reflects the intellectual capacity of a 17 year old high school drop-out.
Cheers.