Booker Award winning author Hilary Mantel risked her own beheading (probably) when she publicly tore The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton apart in print. “Kate Middleton,” Ms. Mantel wrote, “appeared to have been designed by committee and built by craftsmen, with a perfect plastic smile and the spindle of her limbs hand-turned and gloss-varnished.” …“She appears precision-made, machine-made, so different from Diana, whose human awkwardness and emotional incontinence showed in her every gesture, capable of going from perfect bride to perfect mother, with no messy deviation.” Pretty accurate so far, although, that’s what it takes to be a member of the royal family, so it seems like she’s been fairly well cast/programmed/downloaded.
In news relating to members of the British royal family who aren’t dead-behind-the-eyes robots or the result of a difficult amount of inbreeding (which admittedly leaves practically none of them – besides the endlessly charitable and selfless Princess Ann the Princess Royal against whom no unkind word should ever be uttered), Prince Harry was seen with the girl rumored to be his actual girlfriend; a blonde, restrained Brooke Shields meets Robyn Wright type named Cressida Bonas. The two of them skied their way to down the Swiss slopes right into the airport where they were whisked away to South Africa for the wedding of her sister to Richard Branson’s son. Now that her name is public, let the Facebook stalking, anonymous angry texts and actual vegetable throwing in the street commence. Boo!
Lisa Marie Presley left the Church of Scientology, it was announced that Jane Lynch would make her Broadway debut as Miss Hannigan in Annie later in the year and the USA Network show Necessary Roughness tackled the issue of gays in the locker room by having one of its star quarterback characters come out as gay.
Right in time for the release of his memoirs The Soundtrack of My Life, Clive Davis “bravely” came out as bisexual and got into a row with Kelly Clarkson over his version of events when he produced her first album. Who knows how well the book would have sold without all this public bickering, so thank goodness he saved the revelation for the book deal at age 80 but still, better out than in.
The plot turned stranger still in the Oscar Pistorius murder trial when it was revealed that a lead witness for the prosecution was, himself, facing seven charges of attempted murder for a 2011 shooting incident. Not that that has anything to do with whether or not Oscar Pistorius actually shot his girlfriend but it sure does keep the press interested. But then, with a face like Oscar’s it’s not like we were in danger of slipping into ambivalence. Pistorius was then granted bail at 1,000,000 South African rand (approx. $112,800).
Southern Baptists urged the Boy Scouts of America to uphold its ban on gay people becoming members, DC Comics’ Batwoman proposed to her girlfriend Captain Maggie Sawyer, and Frank Ocean announced he has recorded eleven songs for his next album.
Before asking that she be removed from it, Laura Bush appeared with Colin Powell and Dick Cheney (!) in an ad funded by the Respect for Marriage Coalition that called for marriage equality for gays and lesbians, and Indiana special education teacher Susan Medley, who had been chiming in on the prospect of an alternative prom that would include gay students was quoted as saying, “We don’t agree with it (homosexuality), and it’s offensive to us. Homosexual students come to me with their problems, and I don’t agree with them, but I care about them.” And she was promptly suspended.
Nicholas Gonzales, aka gay porn star Donny Wright, was arrested for breaking into a Louisville Firehouse, removing firefighters’ gear from a locker and masturbating on it. When asked why, he simply replied that he “wanted to” – and who among us hasn’t at some point done exactly the same thing (and I mean EXACTLY)? Way to push your escort and appearance price up, Donny!
New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan was deposed for his alleged role in the cover up of more than three hundred cases of sexual abuse causing stocks in the Catholic Church to plummet further towards the center of the Earth, Josh Brolin is back on the market now that he and Diane Lane have divorced, and Lady Gaga went in for the surgery that has forced her to cancel the rest of her world tour. One can only assume that Nicki Minaj is now screaming with delight (in a Boston accent this time, perhaps?) because finally, she may actually get a chance to really take up that spot in pop culture she was invented to fill.
Tim Tebow announced via tweet that he has cancelled his upcoming engagement to speak at the politically paranoid, gay-hating First Baptist Church of Dallas when it was pointed out to him just how totally awful and mean the church’s pastor is. “…due to information that has come to my attention, I have decided to cancel my upcoming appearance,” He tweeted, “I will continue to use the platform God has blessed me with to bring Faith, Hope and Love to all those needing a brighter day….” Sure, he’s sort of doing that thing Christians do where they start speaking in that cultish tone of organized religion and, yes, his publicist probably wrote that for him to sound specifically nebulous so as not to anger his Christian fan base, but the sentiment is nice and actions speak louder than words so now we can get back to fantasizing about him without it being so much of a hate fuck thing.
Shia LaBeouf dropped out what would have been his Broadway debut in The Orphans opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge citing creative differences, and while filming an episode of Franklin and Bash, Mark Paul Gosselaar walked on the beach in Malibu, CA without a shirt on. The New York Times predicted that this weekend’s Academy Awards would grant the Best Actor Oscar to Daniel Day-Lewis, Best Actress to Jennifer Lawrence, Best Supporting Actor to Tommy Lee Jones and Best Supporting Actress to Anne Hathaway, and a whole lot of near naked men did more of their own versions of the “Harlem Shake” including these gymnast dudes from Nebraska (bless them).
And these rugby boys – bless them even more. It was only a matter of time before we got full frontal on this absurd trend. It always sort of is only a matter of time.
And finally, Ecuadorean President elect Rafael Correa delivered a heartfelt apology to his LGBT constituents within hours of being re-elected.
“Once again I’d like to express my apologies to those LGBT groups for some words that might have escaped me,” Mr. Correa said on live television. “Each one of us was born and grew up with stereotypes and stigmas and we have to fight against this type of – let’s call it deformed – social upbringing, etcetera. But our commitment is to defend everyone’s dignity and equality. We are diverse but never unequal.”
– Charley Flynn
omg those harlem shake videos were everything i’ve ever wanted.
Finally a Harlem Shake with some cock. HURRAY!
Someone named their child Crusty Boners?