Hot Blooded: We’re Recapping True Blood

We figured since I’ve been writing pretty much non-stop about True Blood that we should recap the damn thing. Why? Cuz’ it’s big with the ridiculous, campy fun, it’s hugely gay, and it has a bunch of actors I want to suck off. No, it’s true – here’s my True Blood Characters J. Harvey Would Suck Off list. Dewitt, I’m going to need yours on my desk by 6.

Jason
Eric
Alcide
Hoyt (I don’t care if he looks like a thumb, him and Jessica are the best couple on the show and I think he’s gallant.)
Lafayette (So what if he’s wearing make-up)
Sherrif Andy (Stop looking at me like that, Chris Bauer is a really good actor, and he’s beefy.)
Sam Merlotte’s brother Tommy (Sure, he looks like an elf but he’s got a tight little body on him.)
Lafayette’s brujo piece Jesus

Honorable Mention:

Pam
Nan Flanagan
(What? I’m a ‘mo, I like strong women.)

If I want to suck and fuck that many characters on a show, it’s obviously worth the recap.

– J. Harvey

For a recap of True Blood‘s Season 4 premiere, Follow the JUMP:

We’ll break this down by character:

Sookie: As you’ll recall, at the end of last season Sookie (“SOOKEH!”) found out that Bill (“BEEL!”) initially came after her because he was working for scenery chewing Queen Sophie-Anne. Sophie wanted some fairy blood because – yummers. So Sookie split for Fairyland (which is a RIDICULOUS place that looks like a college production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream) with fairy godmother Claudine. While there she runs into her grandpappy (played by Bill Lumbergh sans coffee cup) and fills him in on her life. She also meets up with Bellhop Barry from the Dallas adventure, who we now realize is part-fairy as well. *snicker* He’s bi. Anyway, Sookie won’t eat the fairy fruit (Alan Ball is just fucking with us now) and the queen fairy gets pissed. It turns out fairies aren’t all sweetness and light and Queen Mab is looking to seal off Fairyworld so vampires can’t drink anymore of their blood. Yeah, all eyes on Sookie. She’s basically been one of those big Gatorade coolers that football players dump on coaches after a victory except it’s full of blood and every vampire in the tri-state area has been filling their Dixie cups from it. Sookie and Gramps take off with the newly ugly fairies after them, and Fairyland devolves into its true form – a wasteland! Some other rebel fairies (god, was this part ridic) show up and get her home. Gramps bursts into dust, and Sookie is reunited with Bill and Eric. A year has passed (hello, Alias Season 2 finale) and she finds out that Jason sold the house because he thought she was dead. He’s so dumb. Why not move in? You can afford it. Keep being a cop, and start doing those FUCKING HOT webcam shows in your skivvies again. Ryan Kwanten is beautiful. Anyway, Sookie tells Bill that she’s still heartbroken cuz’ he lied to her. So he’s off the farm. She sees a lawyer about getting her house back, Sam hires her back part-time (he’s so bitchy) and oh, Eric was the mysterious buyer of her Gramma’s house. Which means he can stroll on in whenever he wants now. And he wants to stroll in while Anna Paquin’s post-shower and ass-naked. Eric informs her that she’s his, and gets a fang erection.

Annoyance level (on a scale of 1 – 10): 2. Sookie will always generally annoy my ass, but she was just getting shit done this episode. She did have that line about her heart breaking, hence the 2.

Eric – He’s acting strangely deferential to Bill. He also films a friendly PSA for the awesome sauce Nan Flanagan (like many a gay man, I love a cunty female character) explaining that vampires are just like you humans and come by Fangtasia where it’s two for one blood daiquiris on Tuesday nights. Since badass bitch Russell Edgington killed that newscaster on live television, people have been all fangphobic.

Annoyance level – 0. Eric’s the man.

Bill – He’s appearing at the opening of nursing homes (remember back when he was the mysterious and sexy loner and now he’s like Miss Teen Oklahoma) and making nice with Sookie’s hotsy lawyer and this other mysterious nerdy chick from the local witches’ coven. Oh, and he’s the new Vampire King of Lousiana. This means he gets a big mansion, and lots of Secret Service people. Like Eric is ever gonna listen to his ass.

Annoyance level – 3. He looked a little smug about this being king thing. And Moyer’s face is sagging. Tighten those ear screws, girl.

Jason – He’s still taking care of those feral methhead children. Well, he was until they tossed his ass in their freezer and locked it. That stringy-haired chick he was into (that love story never grabbed me) is still missing in action. This show is full of people with powers so why doesn’t Jason get the power to become invisible. Invisible-powered people have to take their clothes off to fully utilize their power. We could have several more season of Jason becoming visible. And naked. Alan Ball can try and pretend this isn’t a good idea.

Annoyance level – 0. Jason could be speaking at a Tea Party rally about how LGBT bullying is “healthy peer pressure” (true story) and I would still be thinking about his buttcrack. Being this shallow is painful.

Tara – She’s a lesbian cage fighter with a hot girlfriend in New Orleans. This has managed to make her less annoying. Good on True Blood. Eating pussy makes everything better.

Annoyance level – 0. In an UNPRECEDENTED finding, Tara was NOT ANNOYING in this episode. Let’s put it this way, if this recap had been going on since True Blood’s televisual inception? 10s across the board.

Lafayette N’ Jesus – Warlock ass Jesus and his big eyes and pursed lips finally convince Lafayette to attend his coven meeting. It is there Lafayette and his new mohawk and old scarfs and chains meet up with this season’s Big Bad, Harry Potter’s aunt. She channels gay vampire Eddie from Season One and Lafayette is all freaked out. Not freaked out enough not to go back (Jesus must be packin’ some huge warlock cock), and that’s when Marnie (who is round’ the bend of sanity) brings her parakeet back to life. I have some dogs I miss. Can she do them?

Annoyance level: Lafayette – 0/Jesus – 5. Lafayette’s dirty looks and shade-throwing usually makes him unable to annoy me. Jesus on the other hand…I just don’t feel their chemistry. He’s just pesky. I’m guessing he’s not long for Bon Temps. It’s like a horror movie. Slutty girls get chopped up. Overly into magic male nurses get turned into frogs.

Hoyt N’ Jessica – They have this cutesy fight about eggs, and Jessica wants to eat boys. By the way, I LOVE me some Jessica…but bitch can’t dance. Oh man, she’s like trying to be all sultry and she looks like her leg’s asleep. Pam laughs at her relationship and points out that monogamy with a human is the worst.

Annoyance level – Both get a 0. If Jessica keeps dancing like that, this could change.

Pam – Pam’s awesome.

Annoyance level – negative 23.

Sam – He’s still crankypuss. Why is he so twatty about everything? Get over Sookie. Sam’s made some new friends, and they’re all shape shifters. They get naked and turn into horses and run around. So Sam’s storyline is going to be GANGBUSTERS this season. *eye roll* Horses.

Annoyance level – 6. Sam’s a bitch and not a fun one. If he cheers up and stops acting like he has hemorrhoids all the time, he might be able to lower his score.

Everyone else: Sherrif Andy is addicted to V. Sam shot his brother Tommy (of the tight little body) in the leg, and he’s now all pious and 1950s-looking and….shacking up with Hoyt’s mom? Alan Ball is gross. Arlene’s demon baby decapitates Barbies. Totally gay baby.

Did you watch the premiere? What did you think?

And in the next couple episode’s of True Blood…