They don’t make ’em like this anymore.

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And at the risk of dating myself, this wasn’t that long ago.

I was clicking around some of the AEBN content I just have a weird amount of access to today, and wound up sitting through ALL of the 2000 Odyssey Men feature Ryker’s Revenge, starring Ken Ryker. This movie is fucking great. No studio today (save maybe Cockyboys or Titan) is doing anything with this level of imagination and dedication.  They even had fake prop newspapers printed up (with headlines like “Fans Freak, Ken Gone!” and “Ken Says Bye-Bye to Biz!” to support the storyline of Ken Ryker quitting porn. Sure they’re lazy headlines, riddled with grammatical errors. But the fact is they made props! To support a story! For a PORN! Take that, Lucas Entertainment!

Just check out the scene description on this one:

Porn Superstar leaves the industry and horny cub reporter Joey Hart wants to know why! Hot on the mega hunks trail he interviews Ken’s former on screen fuck-toy Logan Reed, veteran gossip columnist (and trouble maker) Christopher Dixon and hears a shocking tale of Ken fucking both of the Odyssey Twins, Gabriel and Oscar. When Joey finds that his hunky roommate, Brett Ford, knows Ryker he arranges a “chance” encounter at the gym. Brett then goes off to the showers for a steamy 4-way suckfest with monster cocks Chad Donovan, Zachary Scott and Odyssey Exclusive, massively hung Tony Donovan. Ryker’s lover, Steve Harper, is fed up with all the nasty gossip that’s been written, so Ken enlists Joey’s help and together they plot, “Ryker’s Revenge”!

Runtime: 89:59

THIS MOVIE IS AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG ARE YOU KIDDING ME THEY MADE AN ENTIRE FEATURE FILM! IT HAS AN IMDB PAGE!

I fucking love this. They even made title credits with a theme and graphics to rival Street Fighter. I’m so impressed with this and simultaneously disappointed with all modern porn. Sure, everyone in this is white and has terrible hair (on purpose too! – 2000 was a weird time), and far too many of them have Donovan as their last name, but look at all the effort that went into this!

I’m embedding the XHamster version for you to enjoy on your Saturday night at home too, but I’m gonna try and find a higher quality of this and potentially do a liveblog on this ridiculous storyline (why is Joey READING the newspaper to FIND a story to keep his NEWSPAPER reporter job? Does he not know how newspapers work?) and hammy overacting (“I mean, he tried to call me earlier when he wanted to peddle me the INSIIIIIIIDE story…”) so just stay tuned. But in the meantime, enjoy the shocking amount of thought and hard work that went into producing Ryker’s Revenge:

 

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Especially if they’re thoughts about the best lockerroom 4-way I’ve ever seen (starting around minute 54).

This might be my new favorite thing ever. Especially this box-front notice about promotions (which was the 2000 version of the DRM-Free disclaimer on internet porn):

 

– tyler