Penalty For Sticking (Your Dick In Me)

Hi there. Lawrence here, filling in for J. Harvey while he’s honeymooning. From now until Tuesday, I’ll be doing my best to get you off. Let me know how it goes!

First off, I’d like to turn to the world of professional hockey. Now, I know what you’re thinking. But seriously, hear me out here. I’m 6’4″, and I like guys that are bigger than I am. And stronger. And French-Canadian, if possible.

The NHL season was supposed to start today. But there’s a player lockout—something really tedious involving salary disputes and revenue sharing—and so the start of the season has been postponed for at least two weeks. But there’s good news for those of us who like to watch aggressive bearded men getting all violent on one another: the AHL season’s starting tomorrow!

I actually live in a city with no major league sports teams but a very popular AHL franchise. (That’s like the minor league, for those of you who are lost but still reading.) Actually, due to the lockout, a bunch of players from the NHL will now be playing on minor league teams with names like the Rockford Icehogs, the Peoria Rivermen, and the Connecticut Whale. (Seriously, Connecticut.)

Before I bore you with too many details, let me just quickly count down my eight AHL picks for the season. And by “picks” I mean “young men that I would most like to bone me in the locker room.”

– Lawrence

Click through to read the list:

1. Garrett Stafford recently found a new home with the Hershey Bears, which seems fitting because he looks sweet and bear-like. And bangable.

2. Eric Gryba plays for the Binghamton Senators. He’s 24 years old, 6’3″, and looks like he’d be a monster in bed.

3. Cedrick Desjardins, goalie for the Hamilton Bulldogs, is 27 and normally plays for Montreal. I’ve had a thng for Canadians since I was a teenager, and he’s near the top of my list.

4. The Grand Rapids Griffins are one of my favorite teams, but only because their logo is so hilarious. Here’s hunky Brendan Smith, who looks good with his shirt off even when the photos are tiny and he seems unaware that they’re being taken.

5. The Providence Bruins‘ Carter Camper is known for scoring a lot. He’s a comparatively little guy (5’9″, 173 lbs), but I love the idea of the handsome forward scoring in bed with his much larger teammates.

6. Nino Neiderreiter plays for the Bridgeport Sound Tigers. The Swiss right wing, known to fans as El Niño, has a baby face on a body that’s six feet and two inches of muscle.

7. Here’s Mikael Granlund, a Finnish looker who plays for the Houston Aeros. He scored four goals in a preseason game the other day. Which is a big deal!

8. Finally, here’s Radko Guras. He plays for the Syracuse Crunch now, but here he is (with playoff beard) at the end of the last season. As a beard-lover, I’m hoping Syracuse gets pretty far this year.