A new study published in the New York Times claims to have found that 50% of gay relationships are open, meaning monogamy is by no means a concern for those folks.
I found this number to be a little high. I mean, I know a few couple who operate like this and are quite happy doing it, but I know more men who would go all car-window busting if they found a stranger's cock in their boyfriend's mouth.
This is giving Joy Behar some credibility, and it could easily be an accurate number. What do you guys think?
– Andy
Photo Credit: Flickr
I’m in a 12 year relationship and we’ve been sexually “open” for 9 of them. Being honest to each other about our sexual nature towards others has cut through a lot of the insecurities we had in the begining and strengthened our bond through the years. Not saying this is for everyone but it’s worked for us.
andy let me explain something to you about gay culture.
due to the fact that gays were always a marginalized, minority that were treated badly by straight world, gays through the ages look at the 1980s tended to reject all societal norms that straight world was a part of – which included the concept of monogamy.
due to the fact that gays are denied rights like marriage then and now.
the collective answer instead of shrivelling up in a ball and crying forever was “well who needs them” which lead to the rejection of monogamous relationships since we can’t lead monogamous relationships to their natural conclusion – which is marriage.
if anything this is an arguement for the pro-gay marriage sector.
gay relationships can be monogamous there is just more “open” relationships because the mere concept of something like gay marriage was and is rejected even today and as a result the community internalized this and the spectrum of relationships reflect this
I think more than 50% of relationships have a partner who has cheated at least once – gay or straight.
I did notice they only studied gay men for the survey, and while it already seems a little to high compared to my experience, I bet it would have dropped significantly if they included lesbian couples. I’m not one to criticize someone’s relationship, and if two people want to have an open relationship, it’s none of my business, but I don’t like how the article was suggesting gays should spearhead an innovation in marriage. That’s why people don’t want us to get married, fearing we’ll change the institution of marriage, and this article looks more like it would hinder than help.
In short tl;dr.
i wish my relationship would have been open. It might still be alive today. After 15 yrs of boredom in the bedroom I strayed and got caught. I loved my partner dearly but he just didnt light my fire. Oh well live and learn.
wow, very sad numbers.
i also though not THAT many gay ppl practiced open relationships.
which is weird and wrong in my opinion, even where’s no legal right to marry.
At least where I am now, I find that most of the older gay male “role models” I have (or with whom I have a past) are in open relationships. I know of at least four or five couples around the Syracuse area who are in open relationships DESPITE BEING MARRIED (for at least two of them). This is sort of what frustrates me. But when it comes to the younger gay guys, they seem to be more monogamous–is it a result of cultural changes?
Monogamy is a chauvinistic tradition that has more to do with bronze-age social- and family structure than the realities of the 21st century.
Monogamy is not the natural state of the sexually healthy and active human being and I’ll bet 50% of straight couples would be better off if archaic social norms and expectations weren’t preventing them to be “open”.
I can kinda understand this on several levels, there is a group of chimpanzee in africa that have stopped all form of violence through the pick up of sexual activities, whether is be male male male female or female female, rather than hurt or kill each-other they have sex. LOL anyway back to the human world, as long as it is part of the agreement and both partners are aware of it, or in some cases are part of it, there is nothing wrong with this form of relationship. I actually have a friend on myspace that has been togeather with his husband for a long time and this is the way they keep their life togeather.
http://www.myspace.com/maverickmen
I think they should have done the studies including gays and straights. What it seems is juts like another study trying to promote “us streight are so good, you gays are so bad”. I bet on straight the study would should same or higher number. I don’t mean open relationships are bad or good, but a choise for any couple. I have been in both opened and closed relationship. I have enjoyed all of them. But I have to admit that open has an atractive sexually speaking. My actual relationship started closed and opened after a couple of years. it was not easy to go from one side to the other. In any case I think if you want to have a close or open one, both partners have to be in the same page. A lasting relationship is based more on having commong interest than if it’s open or closed. We cannot deny sex drives men more that women, so it’s not surprisse if we add lesbians the number will drop drastically.
I know many older couples who have open relationships. I disagree with it, they’re aware of how I feel and I’ve shared my two cents on the topic. I’m glad this topic came up and I’ll share my two cents with you guys.
I HATE open relationships. I think people that are in open relationships are NOT IN LOVE. They may love one another, they may be comfortable with their routine, etc. However, they are not IN love. If you have to scr*ew somebody else to tolerate your existence with another person then maybe you shouldn’t be with your partner.
I’m also sick and tired of people using the “we’re not allowed to marry…” mentality as an excuse to pursue other people. That’s just lazy justification. I think this issue is not just prevalent in gay relationships, but in all relationships across the board.
The issue with relationships is that people do not know WHO they are and what they want out of life. They’re lonely, meet somebody hot, f*ck and think that’s a relationship. Wake up 1-2 years later and realize that they hate the person. They’re emotionally attached and decide they want to “spice things up” for the sake of staying together. They degrade one another and their “relationship” and think that it’s normal and THEN tell others that it saved them. Of COURSE it saved them, because they never worked out from the get go.
Know who you are in life, don’t waste your time, don’t waste another person’s time and GROW UP!!! Life is too long and hard to further complicate your life and that of another.
One more thing: true love is when you’re 80, sh*tting your pants and your partner is there cleaning it up without question. THAT is true love… not somebody who’ll leave you for not having another stud in bed.
AndroidSpirit:
How many friends do you have? I will assume you have more than one. Does your friendship with one person diminish your friendship with the other. Does it somehow lessen the feelings of closeness, make you less of a good friend? I think most people would argue that you can have multiple friends who you love on a purely platonic level, and that these bonds of friendship are not lessened by eachother.
On some levels I do agree with you, if your only way to be sexually satisfied is with another man, then the relationship might as well just be a freindship. But I don’t think you can paint all polygamous relationships with the same brushstroke. It’s entirely possible to love more than one person; platonically, emotionally AND sexually. I think as gay men we tend to be develop physical feelings of attraction towards men we might otherwise only have been platonically attracted to, and as such are probbably more prone to polyamorous relationships.
Honesty is the key 2 any good relationship and perhaps if the quote on quote straight world would open up and be honest with one another the divorce rate N this country would start 2 decline . open relationships may not work 4 everyone but those who R N them R honest with one another and R not cheating on someone who love them dearly !!!
@AndroidSpirit: I Can’t agree with you more than what you have said.
That is the very main reason why STD are spreading like a wildfire amongst gay men (sad to say). Open relationship in my opinion is living IRRESPONSIBLE,CARELESS lifestyle.
What is love and affection if you can sleep with anyone who can breathe?
@Damien
I understand your argument and I think you reiterated what I said. I love my friends, and one does not diminish the other. But I’m not promising to dedicate my sexual and romantic lives to them.
I believe you could love all 6 Billion people on Earth if possible. But my argument is that the individuals that happily participate in open relationships are not IN love. There is a difference between being IN love and loving somebody.
I LOVE my mother/friends, but I don’t get jealous when they’re involved with somebody romantically. In fact, I feel thrilled that they’re sharing their lives with a good person (if it’s the case). However, I can’t see myself jumping in the air with joy if my husband were screwing the gardner.
Monogamy is not archaic – in fact, many animals express anger if their sexual partner is responding to another mate. Have you ever seen white-handed gibbons? The females go CRAZY if the male “get’s it on with another female”. In fact, the gibbons get jealous if their mates pay too much attention to humans.
Jealousy is natural (not obsession), and it’s only natural because the emotion is born from the feeling that our interests are rejecting our advances.
Love is a sensitive topic and as such are people’s emotions. Once a person doesn’t feel pain that their partner is with another, is the day you can say that your partner is a friend with benefits.
@Damien
I understand your argument and I think you reiterated what I said. I love my friends, and one does not diminish the other. But I’m not promising to dedicate my sexual and romantic lives to them.
I believe you could love all 6 Billion people on Earth if possible. But my argument is that the individuals that happily participate in open relationships are not IN love. There is a difference between being IN love and loving somebody.
I LOVE my mother/friends, but I don’t get jealous when they’re involved with somebody romantically. In fact, I feel thrilled that they’re sharing their lives with a good person (if it’s the case). However, I can’t see myself jumping in the air with joy if my husband were screwing the gardner.
Monogamy is not archaic – in fact, many animals express anger if their sexual partner is responding to another mate. Have you ever seen white-handed gibbons? The females go CRAZY if the male “get’s it on with another female”. In fact, the gibbons get jealous if their mates pay too much attention to humans.
Jealousy is natural (not obsession), and it’s only natural because the emotion is born from the feeling that our interests are rejecting our advances.
Love is a sensitive topic and as such are people’s emotions. Once a person doesn’t feel pain that their partner is with another, is the day you can say that your partner is a friend with benefits.
Im 22 and a few years ago the thought of settling down never registered to me, it even disgusted me. now I have done a 180. I only want one guy and could not tolerate an open relationship. The thought of my man fucking someone else would piss me off. open my ass! if i find out even one inch of his dick entered another ass the back of his head and the claw part of a hammer will be waiting for him when he gets home. If your togather than be togather, open relationships are nothing more than “best- friends with benifits”
I’m split about this issue guys but leaning towards the open relationship status, or possibly even becoming single in the not to distant future.
After 7+ years in a live in relationship with my partner, we rarely even have sex. If we do it’s maybe once every month, and that’s a big maybe. And when we do, it’s clunky and mechanical, like he’s just going through the motions to “get it over with” doing as little as possible to stimulate or arouse me.
For the past 4 years we’ve not had any spark in the bedroom, we are actually now in separate bedrooms as he claims I snore and he can’t sleep. Truth be told he avoids my advances at every chance I initiate sex and any mention of the topic is shrugged off.
I’ve recently joined a gym, lost 25 lbs and getting back in shape. I see myself either abandoning this sexless relationship soon, or at least opening it to other possibilities. And that’s my take on the whole relationship study.
Parker
I never though I would ever be in an “open” relationship. After 7 years in one, it’s fantastic – who would have thought!
Marc
i think men in general gay or straight are not monogamous…always on the prowl for a new piece of meat
I disagree with the notion that those in open relationships are not ‘IN love’. I have been in an open reln for 3 years, and even though I’m not naturally programmed for it, and it caused a lot of heart ache and trouble at first, I think I have grown to like what came out of it. We’re more honest with each other, less insecure about how much we love each other and more open to letting ourselves be happy. I think the way I think of it is: its a natural need, and him playing with someone for sometime in no way replaces anything he has with me. My relationship is not defined by our sexual life, it goes beyond it. Even after being open, we have both gone out just 2-3 times, and he claims that sex is never the same with anyone else. Most 3somes end with us doing each other, just coz no one else is good enough, but it just adds some chase and spice. Why is it wrong?
Well Androidspirit, I would agree with you that jealousy is a natural emotion, but lets not confuse what is natural with what is moral. I think that in terms of morality, we would both agree that there is nothing immoral about it. The quintessential question is whether or not you think it is possible to be IN LOVE with more than one person at the same time. I would hazard a guess that you will not be able to objectively argue for one or the other absolute, and it probably varies from personality to personality.
tl:dr Everyone should just do what makes them happy, and not presume that what makes you happy or unhappy will make everone else happy or unhappy.
@Damian
More friendships do actually diminish the friendships that you already have. I read an article fairly recently comparing out modern friendships to the classical sense of the word (think Ancient Greece classical), and how in those days friendships were sometimes more powerful than even romantic love. Now we have lots of friends, but I doubt many of us can say we have those same kinds of powerful friendships. More = dilution.
My mate (of 16 yrs; I’m now 35; he’s 34) live and work in a small town in Northern Illinois, USA.
We know of only two other “couples”.
All of us are closeted – very.
100% of us are monogamous.
I’m guessing that the New York study is very provincial: statistics for large metropolitan areas usually are not duplicated by statistics in small, rural communities.
You know, the area between NYC and LA.
I’m not surprised by the 50% figure; I just want to remind everyone that the stats wouldn’t hold out all across the nation.
I’m also guessing that the stats probably do relate to the lack of GLBT enthusiasm for gay marriage in the state of New York.
I can’t knock anybody down; there’s NO GLBT enthusiasm in my neck of the woods.
But there is monogamony.
declaring open relationships is better then cheating… no?
If you’re going to cheat (or fear of cheating) on somebody, then maybe you shouldn’t be with such person.
And I never said that being in an open relationship is WRONG. I’m just saying that people should not mistake the definitions of the relationship at that point.
Open relationship = friends with benefits
If you are IN love with somebody then it would tear your heart apart to imagine them with somebody else and imagining yourself cheating on your partner. Thing is… people settle, mostly for comfort and follow the delusion that they’re in love.
@AndroidSpirit: As much as you have a right to your opinions, any definition of relationship and – in fact any definition of LOVE – is for the two people who choose to be together to decide. My partner and I have been together for 14 years and the last half of this has been “open”, meaning that if and when we meet someone with whom there is mutual interest in play, we have the freedom to pursue it.
It does not take away anything that we feel for one another. And in fact, we have sex with each other at least 4 times for every instance of extra-curricular play. We just acknowledge that there are times when we would like to do something or someone different. (No matter how many different ways you dress it up, you get tired of beef every now and then.)
And frankly, it’s not cheating when it’s completely above-board and permitted by both persons in the relationship. And it’s no less TRUE LOVE (and being IN LOVE) than anything you’ve ever known.
The initial post didn’t mention that a different study, published in 1985, concluded that open gay relationships actually lasted longer.
There’s also interesting info to note that the 2002 study by the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy cited that approximately 50 percent of married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some time in their marriage. And since it is unlikely that the people having affairs are married to each other in every case, the current statistics on the percentage of married couples who cheat on each other means that someone is having an affair in nearly 80 percent of marriages.
So, by comparison, monogamy seems to be less normal and natural in any orientational context.
As for the claim that open relationships are the cause of the rampant rise of STDs in the gay community, that’s BULLSHIT. UNPROTECTED SEX and drug-use are the cause of the rampant rise of STDs in the gay community.
I found the window-busting comment particularly funny because a long-term fuck buddy of mine entered into a relationship that was apparently closed, though I didn’t know this, and his boyfriend ended up breaking the window of his BMW when he found out we were still hooking up.
Now I see where Mercedes got her inspiration…
In one month my partner and I will celebrate 10 years of being together, and we’re monogamous. It was a conscious decision for us. I’ve been in relationships before which were open, but they ultimately became unhealthy for me. I think it takes a special type of person to be able to maintain an open relationship, and I’m not that type. That said, although the 50% figure sounds high to me, I’m pretty sure we’re not the norm… at least in the Washington DC area where we live.
I often wonder how often our feelings on this are dictated by our experiences with sexuality as well.
For me (I’m a male in my 20s) the physical act of sex is not easily separated from love and commitment; I never was able to.
I didn’t have a sexual encounter of any kind until I was 18. One night-stands were rarely identified from the start — it always seemed like I was getting hurt by these guys that I thought wanted to pursue a relationship with me.
The behavior always struck me as strange — you are becoming intimately entangled with someone, and building all of this wonderful energy, but by morning they were up out of bed, putting their clothes on, while I lay there with the sheets pulled up against me, feeling confused and so angered by the abruptness and business like manner by which they make the transition from intimate lover to “good friend that needs to get to work now”. I never walked away from one of those experiences with a smile, or a feeling of sexual liberation, it always led to tears and bad feelings.
I’ve been with my partner for four years and we have a wonderful relationship and a great sex life as well, still finding ways to make it exciting. Recently though we got into a conversation about open relationships and his big point was that he didn’t see it as a big deal at all, as it would be a purely physical excursion for him — he sees it as natural and “we only have one life to live” and all that.
I find this to be a common assertion of gay males, and it continues to bewilder me, because I can not easily disentangle these concepts of sex and commitment.
I stayed up all night, feeling awful about it and have continued to feel badly ever since. I guess at my most fundamental level, my sense of attachment(and jealousy) are far more powerful feelings than my sexual desire and/or the ability to rationalize an open relationship as something that would be healthy for me.
We’ve since worked things out, he said it’s not something he feels he needs to do, he just doesn’t see the big deal of it. If he ever decides that he can’t live without it being an open relationship, I will end the relationship It would just be too painful for me. I don’t think that makes me a bad person, or a selfish, possessive person, or better than others, I just think it makes me a unique person that needs to be recognized as just as normative as those in the gay community who are non-monogamous.