The Top 10 Things I Jerked Off To This Year

Dewitt and I were brainstorming something for me to write about this week, and I suggested maybe a post about my ten favorite music videos of the year, mainly because your 2013 would be sadly lacking if you missed out on Quelle Chris‘s “Super Fuck.” But then Dewitt reminded me that no one reads our music posts. “Why don’t you do a top ten list of things you jerked off to instead?” he said.

Challenge accepted! Here’s a completely random list of ten things that I thought about this year while having alone time with my left hand. (I’m left handed.)

– Lawrence

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10. The Wolverine:

Even if every X-Men movie weren’t a parable about gay teenagers, and even if the producers of X-Men movies didn’t cast super gay actors (outwardly, like Ian McKellen, and ambiguously/metaphorically, like Hugh Jackman), and even though it’s totally nerdy, I admit it: I jerked off thinking about Wolverine up my butt. Not Hugh Jackman. Wolverine. What can I say, I like it rough. Plus this year’s Wolverine In Japan movie was way better (and less racist!) than I expected it to be.

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9. Prince Felipe of Spain:

Oh, you can have your William and your Harry and your Lorde, there is only one royal whose hotel room I want to trash, whose ballgown I want to bloody (or something), and that is the heir apparent to the Spanish throne. Some key facts: at 6’5″, meaning he is someone I could actually look in the eyes; he likes books, or at least makes appearances at international book festivals; his chin hair is graying in the most debonair way; and, most importantly, I want to do him a whole lot.

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8. Watersports:

The first time anybody ever asked me if they could pee in my mouth, I was twenty and open to suggestions. It was awesome! He peed in my mouth, I peed in his, and then we went back to the bedroom, and he fucked me with his nine inch dick, and hey, I wonder what ever happened to that guy. I’ve had the occasional piss encounter since then, but not everybody’s really into that! I don’t even remember the last time that I actually engaged in the ol’ piss play. (Okay I do, but it wasn’t this year.) So mostly it’s me and my hand, wishing that someone who isn’t too creepy would come over and hose me down.

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7. Erlend Hjelvik:

I’m going to totally stereotype here and make the assumption that probably the Manhunt Daily audience and the Norwegian metal audience don’t overlap very much. Which is a shame, because—a) the band Kvelertak is awesome, and b) I’ve totally got a giant boner for their singer, Erlend Hjelvik. I haven’t gotten to see them live yet, although I spent quite a lot of time this year at metal shows; they’re way more fun than most gay clubs, and there are at least as many sweaty shirtless dudes.

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6. That Titan scene where Adam Russo fucks Conner Habib:

I jerked off thinking about Adam Russo so many times this year, and I feel like I’ve already told you about every single time. Nevertheless, how could I not when Joe Gage (my favorite porn director) got aggressive, verbal Adam Russo to put his dick inside perennially foxy Twitter enthusiast Conner Habib. The best part: it’s wedding themed, so they’re in tuxedos.

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5. Professional Wrestlers:

When i was growing up professional wrestlers were not dudes you wanted to jerk off to. The Ultimate Warrior? The Undertaker? Stringy-haired Hulk Hogan? Even the blond ‘stache couldn’t make up for that hair. But we’re in a new millennium now, and while pro wrestling is just as dumb as it ever was the dudes are at least hot. CM Punk and Randy Orton are probably the ones I got the jizziest over, but there’s a bunch to choose from, like the fabulously red-bearded Daniel Bryan.

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4. Jamie Dornan:

Is it weird to jerk off to a rapey serial killer? Like, if it’s a fictional one? I hadn’t really paid any attention to Jamie Dornan‘s long modeling career before this year, but when I watched The Fall this summer, I actually just wanted to blow the guy. His home life on that show was so dull that maybe a little release from a friend might have made him a little less psychotic? I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t be thinking these things. Although that’s only half as embarrassing as next year, when I’ll be confessing that I jerked off to him in the 50 Shades of Grey movie. (Also: side note, I’d totally switch teams for a day to do it with Gillian Anderson. Just FYI.)

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3. Canadians:

I went to Canada for the first time this summer, and from the very first border guard that searched my trunk, I walked around at least three quarters erect for the entire trip. Canadians, or at least the ones in the touristy areas, are all so hot! It was the middle of summer, and there they were with their tanktops, their perfect arms, their general air of healthy living and living in a country with a healthy economy. (Seriously, shit’s expensive there.) It also helped that the guys I met when I was there (like Brendan Healy, above) all have a thousand naked pictures of themselves on the internet.

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2. The Internet:

I spend probably an hour a day queuing my Tumblr. Is that a lot? It seems like a lot. But I do kind of labor over it. (It’s called Naked Pictures of Your Dad, if you were curious.) Speaking of which, I’m having a little awards show on it now, if you want to know more about the many, many, many men whose images helped me unload this year. Twelve categories, and voting runs through Wednesday. (This photo is from an old magazine called Young Champ.)

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1. Real Life:

Confession: If I have sex with you, and it’s good sex, I’ll run home to jerk off as soon as it’s over. And if we have sex at my place, you probably won’t even be in your car yet, and I’ll have my dick out trying to replay the moment. And there were a lot of good moments this year! I won’t go into every detail, but some Manhunt-specific highlights include the couple of muscle daddies that reintroduced me to bottoming, the guy who sucked me off in his backyard where all the neighbors could see, and the slightly older professional I flirted with on Manhunt for months before boning him in front of three or four other guys. A few weeks later, he returned the favor, pounding me in a swing in a mutual friend’s basement. That’s probably the thing I’ve jerked off to the most this year.

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